Zs\Y>%S'^n. 



THE ST^I^ X)I?..A.:MC^. 

^ 



A SOLDIER ol FORTUNE, 



A Drama In Five Acts, 



BY 



"Vf ARISEN J. !pRIER. 



IPI^IOE 15 OEIsTTS. 



CBICAGO : 

T. S. DENISOK 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED 



New amateur Plays. 



1SS2. 



Price 15 Cents Each, Postage Paid. 

These plays have been written by authors of extended experience, expressly 
to meet the wants of amateur clubs, literary and temperance societies, and for 
school and church entertainments. They are ingenious in plot, entertaining in 
incidents, and ho easy in presentation that no society however little experienced* 
can fail to make them at all times highly entertaining. The plays in this list 
require no scenery or special stage apparatxis. They are pure in tone and lan- 
guage. 

" If the succeeding numbers are as good as the first, we predict for them a large 
demand."— ^a/iowa/ Teachers'' Monihhj, N. Y. and Chicago. 

"The farces are full of fun.''— Daily Inter-Ocean, Chicago. 

"These plays are supplying the dearth of good literature in this department." — 
If. Y. School Bulletin. 

"The publisher of these plays deserves a vote of thanks from all who are at 
p"; Jme called upon to give a school or social exhibition." — Normal Monthly 
Beview. 

" ifout plays are new aud novel, and admirably adapted to the use of 
amateurs."— ir. 0. Dyke, West Gorham, Me. 

" Having used several of your plays, I find them unequaled."— iW. L. Spooner, 
Rushford, N. Y. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drama in five acts ; 7 male and 4 female characters. Leading man, villain, 
darkey comedian, dandy, leading lady, walking lady and soubrette. Time 2 
i hours. Scenes, a well furnished room and a poorly furnished room. 
I "It took splendidly. 'Tabbs' made it spicy."— (7. E. Rogers, Dunkirk, Ind. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 female. Miser, villains, Irish comedian, 
.eading lady, soubrette, and Irish girl. Time, 1 hour 1.5 m. Scenes interior. 

" Seth Greenback was , a perfect success. It can't bo b<mt as an amateur 
Av&m(i.''—WiU H. Talbotl, Coatsvi/le, Ind., Dramatic Club. 

This play is always a favorite. It has no reference to politics, as its name 
might imply. 

WANTED, A CORRESPONDENT. 

A farce in two acts; 4 male and 4 female. Time, 45 m. Very interesting and 
amusing. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce; 8 male. Time, 3.") m. 

"We used Initiating a Granger. It was laughable beyond description. "—J'. W. 
jimmons, Lawrence, Mich. 

A FAMILY STRIKE. 

A spicy farce, illustrating " strikes ;" 3 male aud 3 female. Time, 20 m. Amus 
iOK mistakes lead to a domestic strike, and the strike itself is misunderstood. 



A Soldier of Fortune 



A MODERN COMEDY-DRAMA 



FIVE ACTS. 



-^ 



Warren J. Brier. 



/ 



WITH THE 



Stage Business, Cast of Characters, Costumes, Time of 
Representation, Etc. 



A^ 



CHICAGO: 

T.- S. DENISON. 

Copyright, liiSi, by T. S. Denison. 



h^// 



n 






CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

As performed under the direction of the author, by the Ply- 
mouth Hub Club, Plymouth, Wis., July 28, iSSo. 



Col. Fitznoodle. 

Mr. Patroni. 

Mr. Belmont. 

Cyril Clifford. 

Dr. Fargo. 

Freddie Belmont. 

Snowball. 

Barney. 

Miss Agnes Belmont. 

Miss Ida Lovewell. 

Miss Prucilla. 



Mr. C. H. Maynard. 

Mr. Beverly Crockett. 

Mr. A. F. Warden. 

Mr. G. W. Zerler. 

Mr. G. L. GiLMAN. 

Master Georgie Mattoon. 

Mr.E. a. Dow. 

Mr. H. E. Cottle. 

Miss Lillie Eastman. 

Miss May Davidson. 

Miss Mary Clark. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — General introduction of the characters. The Colonel re- 
counts his war reminiscences. Patroni, the gentleman from Cali- 
fornia, plots his future villainy. Ida's terror of his threats. His 
quarrel with Dr. Fargo. 

Afcx II. — Belmont on the verge of bankruptcy. The great rob- 
bery at the Belmont Mansion. The Colonel's grand lottery 
prize. 

Act III. — The villainous attempt to blow up Dr. Fargo's office. 
Fred's remarkable progress in his studies — especially grammar. 
Snowball has a tooth drawn suddint. 

Act IV. — The proposed duel. Serious wounding of the Colonel 
by Patroni's treachery. Death of the latter by lightning. 

Act V. — The great generosity of the Colonel (the soldier of 
fortune) discovered and rewarded by Belmont. Reconciliation of 
Agnes and Dr. Fargo. Happy denouement. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R means right of stage, facing the audience; L, left; C, center; 
R C, right of center; L C, left of center. D F, door in the flat, 
running across the back of the stage; CDF, center door in 
the flat; R D F, right door in the flat; L D F, left door in the flat; 
R D, riglitdoor; L D, left door; i E, first entrance; 2 E, second 
entrance; U E, upper entrance; i, 2 or 3 G, first, second or third 
groove. 

Note. — Lightning may be produced by blowing finely pow- 
dered rosin into a candle flame; thunder bv rattling a large piece 
of shee.t iron; rain by allowing beans to fall through a long nar- 
row box studded on the bottom with pegs, or with oblique par- 
titions leaving a narrow opening on opposite sides alternately ; 
moonlight may be produced by the strong white light of a burning 
tableau powder. 



COSTUMES. 

Col. — Uniform of Colonel in U. S. army, full dress with sword, 
brown wig, sandy mustache and long, sandy side-whiskers, eye- 
glasses to clasp over nose. In Act III., Scene 2, must have on a 
very bald iron-gray wig, securely fastened, and over it liis brown 
wig. ' 

Mr. Patroni. — Black wig of wavy hair, combed back of ears, 
and reaching down to collar of coat; jet-black mustache — long; 
much jewelry; make-up rich. 

Mr. B. — Business suit. In last scene dress-suit; neat wig and 
beard — iron-gray ; age about fifty. 

Cyril. — Stylishly dressed. Soft hat in Act III. Scene i ; wig 
and beard, if any, light colored. 

Doctor. — Business suit. Last scene dress suit; wig and beard, 
if any, brown. 

Fred. — Well dressed boy of ten or twelve; jirominent watch 
chain. In Act I wears an old hat. 

Snowball. — Black pants and white vest; very large shoes; high 
standing collar; gaudy tie; swallow-tailed coat; white hat; huge 
watch chain; huge watch-case with no works; large glass pin, etc. 

Barney. — Laborer's suit, very plain ; red wig. 

Agnes. — Well and tastily dressed in summer suit; auburn wig. 
L,ast Act elegant reception toilet. 

Ida. — At first appearance dressed in traveling suit of gray or 
brown ; change to a tasty home toilet. Last Act, elegant dress ; \vig, 
if any, dark. 

Miss P. — A lady of forty dressed like one of twenty; make-up 
must not disguise the fact that she is an elderly spinster. 

PROPERTIES. 

Rattan cane, crochet work, letters, kite made of tissue paper on 
an oval Irame, toy pistol with percussion cap, a puppy, marbles, 
■dish of pudding and spoon, a pair of baby's stockings, pasteboard 
box, lottery tickets, paper in wrap, newspapers, stiletto, books on 
shelves, small safe at back, revolvers, dark lantern, large knife, 
sponge, piece of bedcord, lamps, black masks, wooden box fixed to 
blow flour into face of person who opens it, riding whip, office 
chairs, book, bottles, glass, small cord, piece of gum for tooth, 
forceps, phial, blanket, tin can labeled gun powder, taper, matches, 
ax, novel, placard labeled in large letters, " to please me squeeze 
me," grammar, pins, cigar, pack of cards, bottle of hair oil, bottle of 
mucilage, fish pole with small hook on end, rustic seats, rapidly 
burning fuse for lightning, case for pistols, slips of paper, mirror, 
bank check. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE 



Scene. — Parlor in Belmont Mansion. I\Iarble top table C, holding 
books and -flovjers. Arm chair L of table. Small rocking- 
chair R of table. T-ivo other chairs up. Small stand tcp 
■with shells. Sofa L. Catie in corner. Agnes discovered 
seated at R of center table ivith crochet Tvork. Knter Mr. B. 
L ivith an open letter. Agnes goes up joyfully to meet 
him. 

Agnes. I'm so glad you have come, papa! (hisses him). It has 
been lonely enough here to-day ! (Leads him to scat at L of table ^ 
then sits R of table . 

Alr.B. Cheer up, cheer up, daughter. Your days of loneliness 
are numbered. This letter from your uncle Lovevvell, in Cali- 
fornia, conyeys the intelligence that he is completely broken up in 
business, and that he has determined to send your cousin Ida liere 
for a few months. 

Agnes. (With great vit^acity^ Ida.^ That's splendid. Several 
months, too.'' I'm delighted. I have been longing of late to see 
her. But I'm sorrj^ for uncle Edward. It seems too hard that one 
who has enjoyed for years the luxuries of life should be reduced in 
his old age to penury. 3^o« won't fail, \\\\\ 30U, papa, and com- 
pel us to abandon Belmont Hill and all its luxuriance.'' 

Air. B. Of course not, child. How it would sound! Belmont, 
the millionaire, has fa-Jed! Ha! ha! Preposterous. (Aside.) This 
is the opportunity, but I haven't the courage to tell her. 

Agnes. When will Ida come, papa.f" 

Alr.B. She may come at any time, Agnes. I forgot to mention 
that she will be accompanied by a gentleman friend, Mr. Albert 
Patroni. 

Agnes. No sweet without its bitter. No pleasure that does not 
stir up the dregs of pain. I wish her gentleman friend would stay 
away. 

yl/r. B Why svich asperity, child, about a stranger.'' I con- 
jecture by the letter that the gentleman comes out of respect for 
her father, rather than out of regard for Ida. 



6 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Agnes. I liope you conjecture rightly, for it has long been a 
secret wishof mine'that Ida may meet and marry Cyril. 

Mr. B. {Pointedly, and slightly displeased). And it has long 
been a secret wish of mine that Cyril may take for a wife some one 
he has already met, and that person is yourself. As his guardian 
before he came of age, and his adviser since, I consider that my 
wishes are entitled to consideration. 

Agnes. Cyril seems more like .a brother than a lover. Were^ 
we to marry it would be a union of hands, but not a union of 
hearts. 

Mr.B. {Testily.) Hearts indeed ! Young people now-a-days 
are much too fond of flaunting this heart nonsense into the faces of 
their elders. 

Agnes. Nonsense or not, nothing but the strongest sense of 
duty could compel me to marry one for whom I ha\ e no love. 

Mr.B. Well, I'll not argue the matter now-. I presume you 
will have your ov> n way in spite of me. If it suits you better to 
marry an impecunious physician than a wealthy gentleman, you 
will undoubtedly do so, though you may live to regret it. Your 
cousin Cyril comes of a genteel stock. Dr. Fargo is the scion of 
a family to fortune and fame unknown. 

Agnes. Stock and families are all alike to me. 
" The rank is but the guinea's stamp, 
The man's the gowd for a' that," 
and no one can truthtullv say that Dr. Fargo is not a gentleman. 

Mr. B. True, Agnes, but for a' that, blood will tell. 

Agnes. Blood will tell precious little worth noting.. Brains 
can discount blood, nine times in ten. Those old arisfocratic 
notions of blue blood have grown too attenuated for the nineteenth 
century, and in America at that. 

Afr. B. Where did you get such notions, Agnes .^ You, whose 
ancestors have all been bankers or brokers. 

Agnes. Bankers or brokers, butchers or bakers, what care I } 
Blue blood has never excelled the common kind in aftbrding 
motive power to the vast wheels of the world's activity, and it is 
but fair to presume it never will. 

Enter Snowball, L U E, singing to Little Buttercup: 

I'm little butcher's pup. 
Pore little butcher's pup. 
Sweet little butcher's jiup-pie, 
Dear little-^ — ■ 

Mr.B. {Interruptijig him) Snow^ball, you must have forgot- 
ten your manners. 

!^)i. No sah. I neber had nun to fohgit. My little brudder got 
all de mannahs in our famhlv. 

Agnes. Haven't you often told me. Snowball, that you never 
had a brother.? 

Sn. Sartin, Miss Agnes, but can't nobody git nufiin whar dah's 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 7 

nuffin fer nobody ter git? But land of goodness! {fumbling in his 
fockets) Fs done tbhgot myself. Miser Belmont, Fs brung yer up 
a tally-grammar, et I kin eber fine it .{produces it from the back of 
/lis nrck, and gives it to Agnes). Dat tally-grammar am in yore 
uncle Edard's ban' writin'? He's a boss penner. 

Agnes. What stupidity ! Don't you know the operator writes 
the message? Takes it "down just as it comes to him over the 
line. 

Sn. Has you any referentials to de close-line, Miss? 

Agnrs. {imj>atiently.) Your ignorance would try the temper 
of an angel. 

Stt. {Bo-ving.) I see it does dat, Miss Agnes. 

Mr. B. {Having read telegram.) This telegram is from your 
cousin. She and Mr. Patroni will arrive on the four o'clock train 
from the West. {Agnes surprised and joyful. Mr. B. looks at his 
-cvaich) It lacks but twenty minutes of four now. Snowball, have 
the carriage at the door in ten minutes, and Fll meet them at the 
train. I must write a letter before I go. Be sharp now, with the 
carriage. {Exit R i E.') 

Sn. {Aside.) Sartin ! sartin! I'll be sharp nuff. If I ain't, my 
appetite will be, an' dat's de importantest part ob me. {Fumbles in 
fochets.) Land of goodness. Miss Agnes, Fs got anudder letter 
jhar. {Scratches his head.) Dar ! Fs jis struck medat I put it on 
de t nd ob de troft when I fed de pigs, an' Fll bet a billion doUahs 
yas, a tousand ob em, ef necessary, dat de lettah has been peroosed 
by ebery pig in dat pen. I'm one ob em. {Runs of L.) 

Agnes. Such carelessness! But it's no use to urge papa to send 
the fellow away. {Enter Col. R U E.) His saving Freddie's life 
when he was drowning, insures his permanence here {sees Col. 
aside.) Here is our Soldier of Fortune. 

Col. {Doxvn to R and Bo-ving.) Instrumental in saving Fred- 
die's life, was he? That's gratifying to a soldier, though performed 
by a person of race and color, etc. 

Agnes. Yes, Colonel, we must admire the heroic, in whomso- 
ever found. 

Col. You appear to be something of a hero-worshiper. Miss 
Belmont. 

Agnes. Not exactlv that, perhaps. Still, I admire heroic deeds. 

Col. Sad, isn't it, how things have changed since the days of 
that old Greecy poet, can't think of his name, you know. 

Agnes. Homer? 

Col. Exactly ! exactly ! Wrote so much about wars, and heroes, 
and gods. Beautiful descriptions of grand armies, with their 
streaming, brilliant banners, and their glistening muskets and 

Agnes. You don't mean muskets. Colonel. They didn't fight 
with muskets in those days. 

Col. No, of course thev didn't. That was merely a vice verse, 
a slip of the tongue, you know. I recollect now they fought with 
sticks, at least in all their accounts of battles they speak frequently 
of crossing the Sticks. 



8 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Agnes. You don't understand, Colonel. The Styx was the name 
of a river, and not the name of weapons of warfare. 

Col. Oh, ah, indeed. 

Ao-fies. Yes. But where have you been all day, Colonel.^ It 
has been lonely here, with papa and Cyril in the city, Fred in the 
woods robbing birds' nests, and Miss Peterson busy on her tract 
on " Cruelty to Animals." 

Col. I, too, have been engaged in literary iabor. Establishing a 
formula for the striking force of any aggregated portion of material. 
Perhaps you don't grasp my meaning. 

Agnes. Yes, I think 1 do. {Scream iviihoid^ 

Fred. {Outside, very loudly.} Give that back! Give it back, I 
say, or I'll smash you, you ebony-colored idiot! I found it, and 
I'll have it. {Sci/ffitng zvithout. Col. acts timid and drazvs his sword.) 

Enter Sn. L> i E, ■with a letter — large. 

Sn. Here am de lettah, Miss Agnes (gives it). Fred was slidin' 
down de banister onto it {Agnes reads it. Aside.) Dem pigs didn't 
eben open de letter, to say nuffin' ob readin' it. Dey looks down 
on de 'Merican language jis case dey war wunst owned by a 
Frenchman. Dey's too Frenchv fer nuffin'. I'm one ob 'em. 
(Col. has taken some tickets Jrom Ms pocket and slyly looked them 
over.) 

Col. (Aside.) To-day is the long-expected time. To-day wealth 
and independence may be mine. Then good-by to hook and crook, 
to sham and show. The Georgetown lottery draws to-day, and 
with five good tickets I may suddenly find myself rolling in con- 
fluence. (Pids tickets carefully azvay.) 

Agnes. (Having finished the letter.) This letter is of no conse- 
quence, Snowball, but another time don't be so careless. 

Sn. Yaas ; I guess I won't. I war dreffully afeared dat it war 
one ob de Doctah's conscriptions fer de heart diseases. I'm one ob 
'em. 

Agnes. (Sternly.) Leave the room at once, sir. (Exit Sn. 
hastily to L.) Talk of patient Job. He should have had that fellow 
for his servant. 

Col. He'd have been boiling most of the time, I imagine. 
Being patient reminds me of a circumstance, I think it was just be- 
fore the battle of Bean Ridge. Yours truly was captured while 
playing a quiet little game of " I spy," and was sentenced to be 
shot at noon. The patience I exhibited in waiting for my midday 
repast was something beautiful to see. It would have made that 
boiler you just now mentioned go and conceal his cranial anti- 
mony. (Enter Miss Peterson R U E.) Perhaps you don't grasp 
my meaning, but war is a cruel, cruel employment. Miss Bel- 
mont. 

Miss P, (Comt7ig do-vn.) How very unpleasant it must be to 
engage in military occupations. And were you really in the nasty 
war, dear Colonel Fitznoodle.'' 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 9 

Col. {Pompously) Certainly, certainly. Fought all through 
the war. Was in every battle ot' it. 

Ag7i€s. I suppose you did some of the hardest fighting at the 
battle of Gettysburg.'' 

Col. {T/ioKghtfiilly.) Gettysburg.' Yes, yes. We had tough 
beef and hard-tack for breakfast that day, and they gave me such 
an attack of dyspepsia that the attack of the enemy was no pleas- 
ure to me. I did not enjoy that battle, not in the least. I always 
like chicken salad or fried oysters for breakfast when there is any 
prospect of an engagement. 

j\Jiss P. {Ajxhly.) Agnes, didn't we have chicken salad for 
breakfast this morning.' 

Agues. I think we did. 

Miss P. (^Nods stiggestively to Col. Aside.) Then perhaps there 
is a prospect of an engag-ement to-day, if he can take such a gentle 
hint as that. (To Col.) But isn't there a great deal of danger in a 
battle.' 

Col. {T/iotig/i/fiilly.) Oh — well — yes, considerable. No un- 
common thing for some of the parties to get badly injured. / have 
known of some frightful accidents in battlo. 

Miss P. {With emotion) Dreadful, dreadful. Why do people 
frequent such places.' Why doesn't our Legislature pass a law 
coinpelling people to stay away from battles.' 

Agnes. You should have your society get up a petition to that 
effect, and send it in with your labor petition. 

Col. I — I — I hope you are not getting up a petition that will 
cause the Legislature to pass any statuary compelling people to 
labor. 

Aliss P. No, no. We are petitioning the Legislature to pass a 
law to prevent organ-grinders from making the monkeys labor 
more than six hours a day. Poor little unfortunate things {ivipes 
her eyes. 

Col. Oh, ah, yes, I see, I see. A monkey law. (Aside.) Well, 
that doesn't apply to me. (Direct.) Even laws relating to taxes 
concern me but little. But the subject of labor to me is a matter 
of muscular importance. 

Agnes. (Laughing.) Ah, Colonel, I fear this conversation is a 
matter of too great muscular importance, so I'll withdraw. Be so 
kind as to come and assist me for a few moments, Miss Peterson. 
The Colonel will perhaps be glad to excuse us so he can have a 
little rest from the fatigue of conversation. 

Col. Oh, no, no, no, no. (Exit Agnes and Miss V. R U E. 
Col. takes out tickets and exanniics them, looking at ladies'' place of exit.) 
Adorable (looks at tickets) pasteboards. In you lies the power to 
cotifer wealth and all the pleasing pandemonium that word im- 
plies. This hour I am destitute. Possessed of naught save my 
trusty blade and the neuralgia (putting hands to side of his head.) 
Not a dollar to my name, except this confounded ticdoioureux 
(he should pronounce it tic-dollar -00) Next hour I am rolling in 
luxury- -perhaps. The favored child of fortune. With wealth at 



lo A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

my command I might woo and win the adornhle Miss Peterson. 
While poverty is my lot I'll not chance the matrimonial lottery. 

Enter Sn. Z, carrying a box. 

Sn. Yhar's some express office, sah, an' yhar's some post office, 
sah {puts box on chair ^ gives paper. Exit L.) 

Col. {Tears open paper %vrap and reads.) The following is a list 
of the numbers taking prizes in the Georgetown lottery, the draw- 
ing of which took place to-dav. Bus. of comparing kis number tvitk 
list.) Here it is! Here it is! No. 3S43. Hurrah for 3S4 3! Glorious! 
Sublime! Sublimary! Translucent. (^Sees box^reads from cover) 
" From Georgetown Lottery. Prize corresponding to No. 3S43." 
Perhaps it's the grand prize, a gold brick worth $50,000 My luck 
must change some time {opening box and unrolling a large bundle of 
paper, 'vrap after wrap), and now is the time. My evil genius 
certainly will not blast iny tender quickening hopes {discovers a 
jiair of baby s stockings.) Oh! Blast niy tender quickening hopes. 
What a fool ! {holding them up to vie-M.) What an idiot. Five tickets 
at five dollars each. Five certificates to convince an unforgi\ing 
world that I'm an ass. Twenty-five dollars gone for a ]:)air of 
stockings too small for the legs of the wild chemise that bounds the 
Alps among. 

Enter Miss P. ^ U E. Col. hastily puis stockings in pocket; 
throws papers in box, and box under chair. 

Miss P. Dear, dear, what a giddy young thing Agnes isS But 
we girls are pretty much alike, after all. 

Col. {Boxving confusedly.) Indeed we are. Miss Peterson. In- 
deed we are. 

Aliss P. I'm almost djing. Colonel, lo hear some of your inter- 
esting war reminiscences. Tell me 

" Of most disastrous chances 
Of moving accidents by flood and field; 
Of hairbreadth scapes," 
and I will shed copious tears, as did Desdemona at the recountal 
of Othello's dangers. 

Col. I cannot resist appeal so eloquent. I'll tell vou of an acci- 
dent which happened to the husband's brother of my aunt's wife. 
(They sit partly facing audience.) This lellow was a novice at war, 
and when the battle began he seized a link of stovepipe from a coal 
stove the boys were erecting 

Miss P. '{Hitching her chair closer and closer to Col.^s.) A coal 
stove in the army ? 

Col. Certainly. Couldn't keep warm without, you know. Well, 
this gentleman, while hurrying along, stepped upon a — a — why 
can't I think of the name of that thmg the soldiers wear on the 
ends of their guns — now I have it — bayonet — stepped upon a bayo- 
net that some careless fellow had left right in the path, and ran the 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. ii 

Avretched thing clear through his pedal extremity. Perhaps you 
don't grasp my meaning. \Wipes his face xvith hab/s socks.) An 
ambuscade drove up just then and conveyed tlie poor fellow to the 
hospital. {Drops one of the socks on floor and puts other in pocket.) 

Miss P. {Wipin^s^ her eyes.) Oh, horrible, and we living in a 
land prolific of Legislatures, too. (^Ptcts her head gently on CoL.'s 
shoulder. CoL. looks nervous. 

Enter Fr ed Z. U E. In R haiid a hooped kite., in at Iter a toy per- 
cussion pistol. 

Fred. {Aside.) A couple of spoons. I'll put them into hot 
water. {Slips down behind them, yells., slaps kite over CoL.'s head, 
leavinsr hoop around his neck. Col. and Miss P. spring to their feet , 
Fred fires the pistol at them, gives t-vo or three terrific yells, and 
runs off R i E. Miss P. partly faints into CoL.'s arms. CoL. helps 
her to a seat on sofa., then draxvs his szvord. Cyril««^ Acnks hurry 
. in from RUE.' 

Cyril. What seems to be the trouble here.' 

Col. {Amazed and trembling). I — I— I thought we were having 
an earthquake. 

Agnes. {Amused, aside). He a Colonel! I don't believe he 
ever saw a regiment of soldiers, let alone commanded one. {To 
Col. pointing to kite frajne around his neck). Is this a new style in 
neckties. Colonel.? 

Col. {Astonished.) How did that get there.'' Help me take it 
off, quick. People might take me for an acrobat practicing for a 
circus. 

Enter Mr. B., Mr. Patroni and Ida D in F. Col. rushes off 
R -vith hoop still on. Ida and Agnes rush into each othcr^s arms. 
Bus. of introducing Mr. P. ayid Ida to Cyril and Miss P., and 
Mr. p. to Agnes. 

Air. B. Daughter, you may conduct your cousin to the blue 
room, and you, Cyril, may lead the way for Mr. Patroni to the 
north chamber. They need an opportunity to make themselves 
more comfortable after their long journey. (T^^Mr. P.) Your 
trunks have preceded you. I hope, sir, you will experience no dis- 
comfort while you remain with us. 

Mr. P. Don't fear for me. T have the faculty of adapting my- 
self to all sorts of surroundings. {Exit R. Cyril and P, Agxes and 
Ida. 

Mr. B. {Aside). All sorts of surroundings, indeed. He is ev- 
idently just what he claims to be, a gentleman. {Enter Coh. R. 
ivith kite removed, and toe of stocking protruding from breast of his 
coat). How have you fared to-day. Colonel.'' Haven't been 
afflicted with ennui., I hope.' 



12 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Col. Oh, no, indeed! Not at all! I hardW think Ong Wee 
has been here. Chinaman, I suppose.'' Don't think I noticed him 
if he was here. I'm so absent minded. At the battle of Brandy 
and Wine, when Meade ordered Porter to attack the enemy's 
retrenchments, I came near annihilating my own brother. He 
called out Aiphonso Adolphus Fitznoodle, what are you thinking 
about, and thereby saved his life. {Enter Sn. D in F!) 

Miss P. That came near being another Cain and Abel tragedy. 

Sn. {Excitedly). Has Caman Abel got de traggaydies, Miss.'' 

Miss P. I referred to Cain, who killed his brother, Abel. 

Sn. Did he. Miss.'' Dat's meaner dan de chap you read to me 
'bout in de good book what et de cheese and den gub de pore wid- 
der de mite. Next time I see dat walkin' stick I'll put a head on 
him, sartin shore. Hangin's too good fer him. He orter hef ter 
hoe taters all day in de hot sun. 

Air. B. You seem to think hanging trifling compared with 
hoeing. So leave vour work for to-day and take yourself off 
fishing. {Exit Mr.'B. /?.) 

Sn. No use fer me ter go fishin', case I's been swarin'. Ef yer 
swars yer can't ketch no fish. 

Miss P. {Cotisolingly, and anxious to get rid of him). Oh, I 
guess you didn't say anything very bad. Snowball. 

Sn. Yes I did. I called Fi'ed a blear-eyed cypher. 

Col. {Patronizingly). Can't you go and look for Freddie.'' That's 
a good boy. 

Sn. {Positively). Wouldn't like to do it, sah, if he is a good 
boy. I's afeard I shud find him, an' I doesn't need him no more 
dan a cat needs a compass. 

Col. {Disgusted, aside). No use to bandage words with that 
coal-colored infidel. I believe he persists in staying just to be an- 
noying. {Direct). Won't you have the unmitigated kindness ta 
transport that receptacle to my somniferous apartment.'' 

Sn. Which.? {In stupid ii'ondcr). 

Col. Take that box to my bedroom, as it were. You don't 
seem to grasp my meaning. (Sn. exits R ivithbox. Miss P. dis- 
covers stocking on floor and picks it up gingerly, between thumb and 
fnger). 

Miss p. How came this article of apparel here, I wonder.'' 
{Looks inquiritigly at CoL. and sees other stocking in breast of his 
coat. Snatches it and holds it up before him. Fiercely). '\Vhat 
means this, sir.'' By what strange freak does it devolve upon you 
to be the possessor of a pair of these.'' Have you not told me that 
you are unmarried.'' That you never have been married.' 

Col. I — T — upon my soul it is the merest accident; I didn't 
mean to, indeed I didn't 

Mi^s p. Accident! Didn't mean to get married, I suppose. 

Col. No, no, no. Didn't mean that you should find it out. 

Miss P. That's consoling. 

Col. I mean — I mean that I didn't intend to have any one see 
them {Enter Sn). It's all a mistake, an accident, I tell you 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 13 

They were sent to me without my knowledge or consent. I don't 
want them. I haven't any more use for them than — you have. 

Sfi. (Aside, Jioldirig up foot). Guess dey'd fit nie. 

Miss P. I fear you are tryins^ to better one falsehood by another. 

Sn. I'll svvar to its troof, Miss. I brung in de box, an' after I 
got out de key hole happened to git close to my eye an' I seed him 
take 'em out ob dat box. Dat's his gi-an' prize from de lottery. 
Yah, yah. I'm one ob 'em. 

Miss p. (Alollijicd). I beg pardon, Colonel, for my display of 
temper. So you are not a married man, after all? (Laughs hys- 
terically). 

Col. Not in the least. I'm very much unmarried. Here, 
Snov/ball,you may become the single owner of this double prize. 

Sn. Tanks, sah. Dey'U be good to hold ten cent pieces — ef I 
eber gits any. 

Col. I have some in mv room. I'll get you a brace of them. 
{Exit R). 

Enter Fred., leading a fup. 

Fred. (Loudly and rapidly). Snowball, run for the doctor, and 
tell him to bring two pounds of dog's-bane. This cur has just 
swallowed my new slate, sponge and all. He can keep the slate, 
but I'm bound to make him throw up the sponge. (Sn. kicks pup 
ifi ribs. Miss P. takes him by ear and leads him down). 

Sn. Ou — ch! Jew-peter and Slattern ! O— h! Wish 't I war 
an alligator, den I wouldn't git sech treatment from a member ob 
de society for prevention cruelty to alligators. 

Miss p. (Letting go). Stupid! Our society is for preventing 
cruelty to aniinals. 

Sn. Ain't alligators animals.'* 'Sides I warn't doin' no harm. 
Jes testin' dat dog's tenacity by seein' ef de slate ud jingle. 

Miss p. (Cuffing him). Thai's to see if the brass in your face 
will jingle. 

Sn. (Aside). Durn sight more tingle dan fincrle. 

Miss P. Another time perhaps you will not linger in the parlor 
and interrvipt the conversation of the ladies and gentlemen. (Exit 
R, loftily). 

Fred. ( Who has had biz up, training dog). Serves you right, 
smudge, for interfering with the sweet things and their loveyers. 
If you had gone after the doctor, you would have saved yourself a 
blistered jaw. 

Sn. Ef you doan shut up I shan't show you dem strawberries 
■wot I foun' dis mornin'. 

Fred. (In a rvheedling tone). Never mind, Snowball, I didn't 
mean no harm, honor bright, hope to die if I did. She's a mean 
old thing, «/«'/ she. Swats a feller fearful careless, don't she.'' If 
you'll show me the strawberries, I'll give you a glassy and three 
brownies (gives marbles) and I'll let you chew my gum all the 
forenoon to-morrow. (Aside). That's liberal, seein' the gov'nor 
told me he'd warm me if I don't quit chewing it myself. 



14 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Sn. I'll do it, Fred, if you'll hook me a dish of puddin' from 
de kitchen table. Wouldn't ax jer to do it but I's got de gout in 
my shoulder and can't walk very well. [Exit Ykkd R ivith pup). 
Ya, ya, dat's a bad ailin', but I reckon a little puddin' will cure it 
Guess I'll sing myself to sleep. 

(Sings to Silver Threads Aino7tg the Gold). 

Darling I am growing old, 

Silber treads among de gold. 

If you'd keep me young and fair 

Buy for me some bettah hair. 

But my darling you must know, you know 

Dat de times am fearful slow, 

An' dat switch you tink so ill, 

Cost a nineteen dollar bill. 

Yes you know I'm growin' — 

Enter Mr. B. /?. U E, 

Air. B. {Interrnpting song). Calling for your dinne? , are you: 
Snowball.'' 

Sti. Yes, sah. {Aside). He'll say so when dat young hyena 
comes up wif de puddin'. (Exit Sn. L). 

Mr. B . My plans are shattered now. I could see it in the first 
giance of Cyril's eye. She made a strong first impression. Alas! 
what shall I do next.'' Little did Agnes think to-day when she 
spoke of my failing, how very near I am to the verge of financial 
ruin. Think of it. The millionaire, possessor of only a few 
paltry thousands in bonds, and the roof over his head. Under 
obligation to his ward's fortune for a large share of that, too. Had 
I not meddled with Cyril's fortune, I might at least have been 
saved from dishonor. The fear that he will demand a settlement 
is a daily torture. If Aggie's marriage with him could be brought 
about, all would be well. I'm not yet so base as to tell her my 
misfortunes to induce her to consent to the marriage. I'll die first. 

{E7iter Cyril and Mr. P.) 

Air. B. (Starts, confused). Did you have a pleasant journey, 
Mr. Patroni.' 

Mr. P. (Disgusted). Journey.'' Humph! The most infernal 
bore a gentleinan knows. One is surrounded by such coarse peo- 
ple even in the palace coaches! They ought to be compelled to 
walk, with their disgusting children screaming for bottles; their 
repulsive conversation, and their impertinent questions. Bah! 
The whole thing sickens me to think of it. 

Cyril. (Aside). On the whole he seems to be rather a sicit)»ih. 
fellow. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. ^5 

Enter Fred hastily R, stops zvheii hi front o/^Ir. P., holding dish 
of pudding' in front of him. 

Fred. ( Without looking up). Here it is at last, glutton. (Sees 
gents). HalloJ {Sits np and eats). 

Mr. B. {Sharply). Fred, liow often must I tell you not to 
wear your hat in the house? 

Fred. Who cares for the wear and tear of an old hat like this? 
I traded two kittens for it Miss Peterson told me to drown. I 
guess I can afford to wear it, if it is in the house. 

Mr. B. Betake yourself to your room, boy, or I shall be obliged 
to punish you. 

Fred. Steady now, boss; I am not a drum, so you'd better not 
beat me. (Mr. B. takes cajic from corner and strikes //?';« over the 
shoulders. Fred roars out. Enter Sn. L). 

Mr. B. Here, Snowball, take this impertinent boy to his 
room, and keep him there until he is willing to act civilly. (Sn. 
has bus. in getting Fred off, struggling.) 

Mr. P. {Aside). That boy is a stunner; got the mouth of a 
shark and the voice of a calliope. 

Air. B. Suppose we take a stroll on the lawn, Mr. Patroni, 
where we can enjoy a smoke in quiet. (Mr. P. bows assent). 
Will you accompany us, Cyril? 

Cyril. Thanks, but I believe it's more comfortable here. {Exit 
Mr'. B. and Mr. V. D M F. Cyril throws himself on a sofa). That 
is certainly one of the most incorrigible boys in the universe. 
Hell! {Looking up sees Agnes ««rf Ida xvho have entered R, and 
continues rising)^ was known to the ancient Greeks as Hades. 

Agnes. You are proi'anely negligent about connecting the parts 
of your sentences, Cyril. 

Cvril. I hope not. You see our angelic Freddie made me think 
of Greek fire, — it's such a job to put him out. Greek fir^ very 
naturally made me think of Hades. 

Ida. {To Agnes). Is your brother such a nice little fellow? 
Agnes. I'll not answer that. Wait until you form his acquaint- 
ance. 

Cyril. He's a pink of perfection. None know him but to love 
him. The fact is, uncle has been too much employed "on Change" 
to give much supervision to such an inconsequential thing as a 
boy, and that accounts for it. 

Ida. The poor little fellow should be pitied, not blamed. 
Agnes. After all, there are some good things about Freddie. 
Cyril. Yes, that's true; but it is a trifle saddening to think they 
are chiefly furnished him by the tailor. 

Agnes. {Going.) You are too severe on Fred, but I cannot 
stay longer to take his part. 

Cyril. Never fear for him. He'll take his own part, and much 
more too, I'll warrant. 

Agnes. Now, Cyril, try to make yourself agreeable to Ida in 
my absence. You know her happiness here depends largely upon 
you. 



i6 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Cyril. No more agreeable task can be assigned me. {Exii Ag- 
nes R). I shall be most happy in endeavoring to make your stay 
here pleasant. 

Ida. Thank you. I have no doubt but that, so far as circum- 
stances will permit, you will succeed in your efforts. 

Cyril. {To L, aside). " So far as circumstances will permit; " I 
don't understand that. {Enter Sx. R). She's perfectly charming, 
any way. 

Sn. {To Cyril). 'Scuse me, but Mr. Belmont wants to see 
you in de souf chamber imejit. {Aside, zvith a glance at Cyril and 
Ida). Dar is people in dis wuld what's dead in love. {Starts off 
R, stops, and looks back). I'm one ob em. {Exit R. Mr. P. stands 
in D in F). 

Cyril. I must leave you. Miss — Ida. Excuse the liberty I take 
in calling you so. To-morrow I will show you some of our charm- 
ing scenery. 

Ida. Thank j'ou. I long to see the beautiful Hudson, and com- 
pare its scenery with the grandeur of my own State. 

Cyril. You can scarcely hope to find it impressive. When in 
distant lands our fond imaginations give to scenes of home pris- 
matic coloring, while our eyes behold surrounding scenes dressed 
in the plain garb of reality. But I must not stay longer {Seizes her 
hand and kisses it rvannly). Farewell, we'll meet in the morning. 
{Exit L, I E ivithoiit seeing Mr. P. up). 

Ida. Ah, yes! {Sighs.) Will meet in the morning. {Senti- 
me.ntal song may here be introduced. Mr. P. comes dozvn at close of 
song). 

Mr. P. {Sneeringly). What nonesense is this, madam 1 Are 
we already sentimental over this young dandy.? Upon my soul, 
we are getting on astonishingly. 

E?tter Col. RUE, wiseen by Patroni. Motions off R, and Sn. 
enters. They come do-vn R. Mr. P. and Ida Z,. 

Ida. {Grieved). You have no reason to address me thus {7vith 
spirit) and I'll not submit to it. 

Mr. P. You'll not submit to it.'' Ha, ha! By heavens, that's 
rich! Madam, you seem to forget who you are. {They are par- 
tially facing aiidictice). 

Col. {Aside to Sn). I'll paralyze him with a glance of my eye, 
and you may pulverize him with — {Pummels him in dumb shotv). 

Mr. P. Now let me tell you that /'// not submit to any more 
of this sentimentalism with that young popinjay, and you may 
as well know it first as last. (Sn. sco-mIs, and in dumb sho-v 
knocks him down and drags him out). Decide at once. Ten minutes 
is all the time required to send to San Francisco a message that 
would cause your dear, pious, hypocritical old father's immediate 
arrest. It would furnish him Avidi a cell in the penitentiary, for he 
is afclo7i. (Ida sinks upon sofa. Sn. seizes Mr. P. by his coat collar, 
spins him around, and gives him a blow that sends him tumbling into 
R U cor tier ; seizes a large, jagged shell from table, and leans over 
Mr. P). 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 



17 



S?!. (Threatening him with the shell). Lie still, honev, or I'll 
shell 3'ou, sartin share. I'm one ob 'em. 

(Col. //(7S advanced to sofa, and is bozving suavely to Ida.) 
Col. The united eflbrts.of the paral^-zer and the pulverizer have 
compelled him to pause. The California cad cowers in jonder cor- 
ner, sic semper fisticufi'. 

CURTAIN. 



.A.OT II. 



SCENE I. Same as Scene in Act I. Screen up at bark near RUE. 
A 7nan standing behind the screen, partly visible to audience, 
but not recognizable by them. 

Enter Mr. B.' and Cyril E i E. 

Mr. B. So you demand an immediate settlement of vour estate, 
I ain to vmderstand. 

Cyril. Not demand, uncle. Demand would sound highly pre- 
sumptuous. 

Mr. B. The fact is, business is pressing just now, and a com- 
plete settlement would greatly inconvenience nie. Would a tew 
days make any great difference.^ 

Cyril. Certainly not, uncle, only I am getting tired of this aim- 
less life. I design to marry before long, and settle down to busi- 
ness tor myself 

Mr.B. I trust you have not made your choice of a wife with- 
out consulting me. Your father, before he died, requested that 
I should advise with you in that matter. 

Cyril. Choice.' Not yet. But, guardy, couldn't you advance 
ine something in a day or two.' There's a beautiful 'propert\- in 
the city, I can buy at a bargain. Its value will double, shortly. 

Mr. B. How much would be required for that.' 

Cyril. One hundred thousand dollars. J 

Mr. B. (Alarmed, aside). More than the sum total of all mj- 
ready funds. (^Direct.) All right. Come down to the office to- 
morrow, and we'll see about it. I- have partly enough in the safe 
in the library, but it has a time lock, and will not open until four 
in the morning. I hope that will quiet your distrust, sir. 

Cyril. Distrust.' I have none. Of course, such a thing as a 
guardian appropriating the funds in his care is not an unheard of 
event, but I hope you do not think I suspect you of anything 
wrong. 

Mr. B. Of course you don't. Never mind about it, but come 
round to-morrow. 

Cyril. (Aside). His talk of suspicion has aroused suspicion. 
Guess I'd better be on my guard. Familiarity with bulls and 



i8 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

bears has torn the cloak of honor from many a man. {Exit.) 

Mr. B. {In a lotvcr tone.) One hundred thousand dollars, and 
only fifty thousand dollars to meet the demand. Aggie's diamond 
necklace must go first and unless my fortune changes, this beau- 
tiful home will soon follow it. I'll get them from the safe at day- 
light and take them to the city. It seems almost like theft, but 
there is no help for it. {Exit R. Man beliind screen moves of 
unrecognized.) 

Enter Col. L. 

Col. Good morning. {Looks about surprised.) Nobody here.? 
Was certain I heard voices. (Mr. P. saunters in R smoking, throws 
himself into a chair, pays no heed to Col.) Good morning, Mr. 
Patroni. How do you find yourself this morning.? 

Mr. P. In the same way I usually find myself when I lose 
myself; wait for some fool to bring me to myself. 

Col. I mean what is the condition of your constitutional or- 
ganism ? 

Mr. P. Haven't one in my possession, sir. Now by the way 
Corporal — 

Col. {Correcting him). Colonel, sir, colonel. 

Mr. P. All the same so far as you are concerned. You have, 
seen fit to quiz me, let me ask you a question. Why do you 
resemble this stiletto.? {Shotus one.) 

Col. {Thoughtfully}) We both possess a trusty blade. {Touch- 
es szuord. Mr. p. shakes his head.) We're both keen, cutting, you 
know. 

Mr. P. I asked for points of resemblance, not for dissimilarities. 

Col. Now I have it. We both have a good deal of steel in us. 
{Hastily corrects himself.) No, no no, I don't mean th;.t. We're 
both fierce and bloodthirsty, and both wear shoulder-straps, at 
least I do. That's what I mean. 

Mr. P. No, sir. You resemble this stiletto because neither of 
you can take a hint and shut up. 

Col. {Angry, going up.) Indeed, sir, indeed. My resemblance 
to your palmetto is only equaled by your resemblance to a piichy 
poixupine. Perhaps you don't grasp my meaning.? {Exit Col. 
haughtily to L.) 

Mr. P. The stupid! If I were master here, that valiant mili- 
tary genius would take his uniform and rattling sword off the 
premises in double quick. Belmont tolerates him because the 
fellow nursed him during a fever, just as he tolerates that doctor, 
I suppose, because he nurses other people during fevers. {Enter 
Agnes RUE.) I hate the shilly-shally coward. I verily 
believe he fears his own shadow. 

Agnes. {Coming cIo-mu.) Perhaps he is not such a coward as 
you imagine, Mr. Patroni. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 19 

Air. P. {Rising, and taking her hand -varmly.) I beg your 
pardon, Miss Belmont, if I have oftended. 

A^^nes. No apologv is necessary, Mr. Patroni. I only hope 
you do not misjudge the Colonel. Beneath a vain and frivolous 
exterior ofttiines beats a heart as true as steel, a soul more noble 
than that of belted knight or lofty- titled squire. 

Mr. P. That sounds well. Miss Belmont, but I fear this valiant 
Soldier of Fortune, as he loves to call himself, could be chased 
with a dagger of lath. ^ 

Agnes. As to that, I cannot say; but silly and vain as he is, I 
am inclined to think there is some latent courage in his make-up 
that only time and circumstance can reveal. But this is too prosy 
for a balmy morning in June. {Enter Cyril R. Introduce song 
by Agnes, if convenient.) Come, I want to show you some of my 
varieties of tulips. {They go u;p.) Won't you go with us, Cyril.'' 

Cyrd. No, thank you. No new tulips for me. The common 
kind suits me admirably. 

Agnes, {Coming back.) So I have often observed. 
The tulips for you 
Are the lips of two. 
(Cyril seizes her and gives her a loud kiss; she follows Mr. P. off af 
back, shaking her finger threateningly at. Cyril.) 

Cyril. \ Looking out of windo-v.) I fear she cares something 
for that Mexican after all. But why need I care.? If he only 
proves genuine, what is it to me.'' And yet, {enter lr>\, R 1 E, 
coughs, but does not attract his attention.) as there seein no hope in 
the other direction, I have half a mind to propose to Agnes my- 
self. I might win her in spite of learned doctor, or lofty dodger, 
either one. 'Twould please uncle immensely. {Tier nes and sees 
Ida, stops confused.) 

Ida. {Agitated.) Forgive me, Mr. — , Cyril, I mean. I unin- 
tentionally overheard you; I tried to attract your attention, but — 

Cyrd. There is no harm done. 

fda. You do love cousin Agnes then, don't you.? I'm so glad. 
She's a dear, good girl, and you. couldn't help being happy with 
her. {Goes to lOindow to hide her emotion.) 

Cyrd. {Do-vn, aside.) This is highly interesting, I declare. 
Each is very anxious to marry me — to the other. Agnes hopes I'll 
marry Ida, "she's so sweet," {imitating) and Ida hopes I'll marry 
Agnes, "she's such a dear, good girl" {imitating.) They're a 
precious pair to each other. It isn't so nice to be a shuttle knocked 
back and forth to form the web and woof of life. This thing ha.s. 
got to stop. 

Ida. (Coming do'vn.) I hope vou have decided to try to win 
her; she'll make you a charming wife, Cyril. 

Cyril. I have decided. 

Ida. {Sinking into a chair). I'm so glad. 



20 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Cyril. {Aside.) She looks almost beside herself with joy. Her 
tongue says one thing, and her face another. {Rests arm on her 
chair.) Can you encourage me in taking such a step, Miss Love- 
well.? 

Ida. { With an effort at cheerfulness^ Oh yes, indeed. 

Cyril. {To L., aside.) Confound it! Does she love the Mexican, 
and hope that I will get Agnes out of her way.? {Sits by her side.) 
Ida, you cannot be entirely unconscious of the all absorbing love 
for you that has filled my heart ever since you came here. 

Ida. Please don't, Mr. Clifford. I mi^st not hear another word. 
Leave me at once, I beg of you. {Looks around in terror.) 

Cyril. But will you send me away without one word of encour- 
agement.? 

Ida. {Hastily.) Yes, yes. I have no word of encouragement 
to give. (Cyril rises stiffly^ she detains him.) Please do not leave 
me in anger, I did not wish to oftend you. 

Cyril. You do love me then.? You will be mine.? 

Ida. I cannot be yours. The obstacles are insurmountable. 
Marry you I cannot; give you a reason, I dare not. Honor must 
remain inviolate, though the brain goes wild and the heart break. 
{Breaks down and hurries off\ sobbiiig.) 

Cyril. {Sinking into a chair., and hiding face in hands). Lost 
forever ! {Enter Miss P. D in F, comes doivn and sees Cyril.) 

Aliss P. Indigestion.? {No anszver). Touch of colic, perhaps. 
It's all right, though. The doctor just now rode into the vard. 
'Quite providential. 

Cyril. Curse the doctor. 

Miss p. Mercy! What for.? The doctor never injured me; 
-besides, I never swear. {Enter Doctor D in F.) Your coming is 
fortunate. Doctor. This young gentleman seems to be ailing. 

Dr. {Pleasantly) Good morning, Mr. Clifford. Arc ^•ou in- 
disposed, this morning.? 

Cyril. (Savagely.) No, sir. Quite the contrary. I am very 
much disposed to mind my own business. 

Dr. You should surelj^ be accorded that privilege, especially 
as so few of us feel that way inclined. 

Cyril. Your sarcasm, sir, is no inore acceptable than it is un- 
called for. 

Dr. I beg your pardon ; I intended neither sarcasm nor offense. 

Aliss P. I know he's ailing, doctor, or he would not display 
such temper. Don't you think he needs a dose of pennyroyal tea.? 

Cyril. {Springing uf .) Pennyroyal, nonesense! When I 
■want your valuable suggestions, I'll inform you. Until then, I'll 
bid you good day. {Exit Din F.) 

Dr. Guess we've caught a Tartar; he'd better confine himself 
to a diet of lemons, it might sweeten him. 

Miss P. I'll keep watch of him. I think there must be some- 
thing wrong with his mind ; he seems to be out of his head. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 2r 

Dr. If he is out of his head, he has evidently got out through 
the mouth. {Exit D in F.) 

Chaxge. 



SCENE I r. Librarv in Belmont Mansion. Safe at back. 

I^ight doxvn, but not too dark. Txvo or t7ir<ecasy chairs, 

' Books on shelves. 

Enter Patroni and an assistant disguised in old clothing and 

blach cloth over faces. They carry revolvers, a dark lantern and a 

huge knife. 

All. P. {In a disgriised voice.) This is the room, and this the 
safe. Now for business. Fitly tliousand dollars and a diainond 
necklace. {Kneek before safe and tries the co7nbi nation.) No use. 
There is only one way; we must request the gentleman, -vvhc* 
knows the combination, to come and open it. {Exit L. Coi.. sticks 
his head, encased in a night cap, in from D at R.) 

Col. Am I waking, or am I dreaming.'' {Enters but partly 
dressed.) It's more than probable I do. Jt struck me that I heard 
sound in here that resembled the human voice, struck me so forci- 
bly that it knocked me out of bed. It's hardly safe to be here in 
this undressed uniform. {Listens.) I must have been deceived. 
The tic douloureux isn't at par as a burglar alarm. It'ssafetO' 
say the safe is safe ; so while I'm safe I'll — {stops and begins to trem- 
bltgoesto L and looks off.) Discretionary, thou art a jewel! Takes 
tzvo or three long, szvift strides off R.) 

Enter L the two burglars -cvitk Mr. B. betivecn them, he ts 
half -dressed, gagged and blindfolded. 

Mr. P. {In same disgtiised rwice) Now, make haste. It's after 
four o'clock and day will soon break. Go at that combination, old 
man, and no cursed nonsense. (Mr. B. does not move.) Yois ■ 
hear this.' {Tapping the large knife on the ."nfe.) If that safe isn't 
open in sixty seconds, your hand will never open it. {Counts off" 
the seconds from his ivatch, by the light of the lantern^ Five, ten„ 
fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty. Thirty more, and you die. 
Thirty-five, forty. (Mr .B. stoops, grasps the knob, gives it a fevj turns 
and as the word sixty is spoken szvings safe door open. Patroni 
pulls oat money draxuer. Enter CoL. £> in R cautiously, tvith sword 
in one hand and spcnge dipped in ink in the other. Spatters the men 
with the ink, then skips off R. Burglar sees him and is about to 
fire. Mr. P. stops him.) r 

Mr. P. Now the coi^d, quick, or the fool will alarm the house. 
{Hastily bind Mr. B. to safe, and run off to L. Enter Col. cau- 
tiouslv ; dressed, and carrying a lighted lamp. Hastily liberates 
Mr.B.) 

Mr. B. Ruined, completely ruined. The rascals have taken 
money, diamonds, everything. 



22 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Col. Oh, no, not everything. They left us our lives and our 
safe and our sword and our tic douloureux. 

Mr. B. Didn't you hear them until they fled.'' 

Col. Certainly, certainly. Heard them and spotted them. 

Mr. B. But why didn't you bring your sword to my assistance, 
and save the valuables ? 

Col. I — I — oh, I had a valuable of my own to save, /value 
my life. For strange as it may seem, when this is gone I can't 
pick up another. I saw they did not mean to hurt you, so I decided 
not to hurt them. Besides, there were two of them and one of 
me. Had there been one of them and two of me I should have 
looked upon it differently. I never forget that consistency is the 
better part of valor. But come, we stand here splitting hairs 
when we were better employed in splitting heads. {Exit both to R.) 

Change. 



SCENE in. Scene same as Act I. 

Enter Agnes follo-ved by Mr. P. 

Agnes. {Speaking on entering) How very unfortunate that 
3'ou went to the city last night, you might have been instrumental 
in bringing the rascals to justice. 

Mr. P. Rascals.^ What rascals.' You speak in riddles. Miss 
Belmont. {They sit.) 

Agnes. Haven't you heard.' 

Mr. P. Tell me to what you refer, and I will be able to answer 
more intelligently. 

Agnes. Is it possible that no one has informed you how the 
house was broken into by burglars last night, how they dragged 
poor papa into the library and compelled him with threats of death 
to open the safe, how they got away with thousands of dollars and 
iny beautiful diamond necklace, a present from a rich uncle in 
India — haven't heard a word of all this.' 

Air. P. Not a word. You see, I fell in with an old acquaint- 
ance from California, and he insisted upon my staying with him in 
the city. Just my wretched misfortune. I am an expert with the 
pistol, and would like no better sport than to ^\ing such game. 
Perhaps this is a relic of that performance. {S//ozving a handker- 
chief.) It hadn't occurred to me before, but I found this lying 
under the edge of the safe. Can this furnish a clue.' 

Agnes. Clue.' Oh no, sir. That belongs to Dr. Fargo. Here 
in the corner are his initials "E. F.", Eugene Fargo, I placed them 
there mvseU". 

Mr. P. Of course, if it belongs to him it is no clue at all. I 
thought it looked as if it had been used as a blindfold. One would 
hardly suspect him, however. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 23 

Agnes. ( Warmly.) Suspect him! No, indeed. The bare 
thought of hi:n in connection with such a crime is almost slander. 

Air. P. In his sober moments he would not attempt any.thing 
of the kind. But I am told that when fired with drink lie is pretty 
reckless. The fact that he gambles a good deal might bring him 
in sore need, and make him desperate enough to do anything. 

Affnes. (^Horrified.) Fired with drink .^ (jambles.^ I don't 
think you know of what you speak. Dr. Fargo neither drinks nor 
gambles. 

Mr. P. Not here, of course; but in different company he acts 
differently, so I am told. I suppose you know he is engaged 
to a young lady in the city. She is .'■aid to be quite a rattle-brain, 
and her influence over the doctor, I fear, is not the best. {Agnes 
starts to her feet ^ then sinks into, chair again.) 

Agnes. Sir, is this the truth you tell me.'* You must be in sport,- 
sir. I cannot believe it. 

Mr. P. My dear young friend, I have no wish to pain you, hut 
I must insist that I am correct in my statements. It's no uncom- 
mon thing for a sober, quiet man to be engaged to a giddy-headed 
girl, and it surely is no vmcommon thing for men to drink and 
gamble. 

Agnes. I beg you say no more. ■ Your words raise in my mind 
I black clouds of doubt. They pierce me to the heart. I cannot 
believe, but there is some awful mistake. {Weeps.) 

Air. P. ( With a fiendish smile ^ aside. i She is drinking the deadl}' 
hemlockof jealous suspicion. Sure death to love. {Direct.) Grieve 
no more over it, my dear Miss Belmont, but solace yourself with 
.the thought that he is as good as the average of men. I'll not 
disturb you any longer. {Drops letter on floor.) Your noble nature 
revolts at such hypocrisy', and so does mine. But call up your 
powers of will and dispel every suspicion from your mind. 
{Aside) S le'U never take that advice. Ha, ha! I'll yet win her 
hand — and fortune. [^Exit R) 

Enter Col. L. and stops on seeing Agnes xveeping. 

Col. {Aside.) Well, now, what's the occasion of all this moist- 
ure that rains from her beautiful eye, and washes the bloom from 
her cheek. I'll warrant there's a man at the bottom of it. 

Agnes. {Looking up.) Is it you. Colonel.'' Oh! I'm the most 
wretched Avoman in the world. 

Col. Your appearance testifies to that tact. 

Agnes. Colonel, you're a friend, dare I trust you — 

Col. A good many people have dared to trust me {a.'ude) and 
afterward regretted it. 

Agnes. Dare I trust you with a secret.' 

Col. Oh, ah, certainly. 

Agnes. Mr. Patroni intorms me that Dr. Fargo is — how can I 
tell you, — is very much addicted to wine drinking, and — he — goes 
•with a rattle-brained girl m the city. {Sobs.) I want you to help 
ine find out whether or not it is true. 



24 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Col. True? What does Mr. Burns, the poet, say? He says: 
Some books are lies from preface to fmis. 
And some great lies were never penned. 
That does not seem to pan out with me as it did with Burns, but 
it's true, anyway. That's one of the unpenned lies. It's such a 
whopper that nobody can find a pen large enough to hold' it. Pa- 
tron i would rather lie on sight than tell the truth on time without 
security. 

Agnes. Oh, you don't know how much good it does me to hear 
you say so. 

Col. You don't know how much good it does me to say so, 
either. 

Agnes. Was there ever a man. Colonel, whom you owed — 

Col. Hundreds of them. 

Agnes. Whom you owed a debt of gratitude you never hope to 
pay? (Col. nods.) If not, you cannot kn6w the joy your words 
inspire. I will believe him true until he is proven false. And 
yet, what object could Mr. Pati oni have in thus accusing him ? 

Col. Here comes the sot himself, quiz him. I'll retire. {Exit L.) 

Efiter Dr. R. 

Agnes. {Joyfully.) Oh, Gene, I'm so glad — {checks kersclf\coldly.) 
Good morning. 

Dr. Good morning, darling. I couldn't come earlier, business 
in town detained me there all night. 

Agnes. Pleasant business, no doubt. 

Dr. Anything but that. Why do you think so? 

Agnes, it's no matter, only I have been informed that you have 
a very agreeable patient whom you attend with great regularity. 

Dr. I don't seem to get the drift of the joke. 

Agnes. Joke! Of course it's a joke, a nice, agreeable joke. I 
did suppose there was one man who was perfectly honest and 
scorned hypocrisy, but my mind is changed. 

Dr. Miss Belmont, will you have the kindness to explain your- 
self? {C/iauging tone.) Come, darling, you are nervous and 
hysterical from the excitement of the day. {Takes liaudkerchief 
from focket) I'll leave you for a time and go into the garden, 
perhaps Mi". Patroni is out there. 

Agnes. If you see him, you'd better question him, perhaps he 
can clear up ihe mystery of my conduct. 

Dr. I'll try, and see." {Exit R.) 

Agnes. I cannot think him guilty, he doesn't act it. {Sees letter 
on floor) What's this? (Picks it up.) Wonder if Gene dropped 
that when he took out his handkerchief just now. Addressed to 
Miss Jennie Goldenburg. I'll see whose it is, and return it to its 
owner. {Opens.) It looks like the Doctor's writing. {Reads): 

Dearest Jennie: — It is possible that I cannot spend this 
evening in 3'our delightful society, as I am invited to Belmont 



xV SOLDIER OF P^ORTUNE. 25 

Hill to drone the evening out in company with a tiresome person 
who persists in her efforts to thrust herself into my society. If I 
cannot find sufficient excuse for declining her invitation, I cannot 
see you for tzvo ivkole days. To-morrow evening, darling, if not 
this. Yours at all times, E. F. 

{Tears letter into pieces and throxvs it on the floor.) The perfidious 
wretch! The cool, diabolical hypocrite! Tiresome person indeed ! 
For t-ivo 'tvJiole days! How it must cause his tender heart to bleed. 
Papa and Cyril shall know how contemptibly he is acting. . {Exit. 
Rin a passion.) 

Enter Col. Z,, tvitk a ne-vspaper. Sees pieces of letter on jioor and 
picks them up. 

Col. Save the sweepings, is my motto. 

Enter Miss P., L. 

Miss P. What a noble husband you will make for some one, 
Colonel. You're so thoughtful, so saving of labor. 

Col. (^Stuffing pieces in pocket.) In short, quite a labor-saving 
machine. Had I got hold of those burglars, they would have 
taken me for a full-fledged threshing machine. When I was in the 
battle of the Boyne — 

Enter Sn. -with a box. 

Sn. Yhar's anudder lottery fortin, sah. Fred said de 'Spress. 
man lef it arly dis mornin. {Sets box on table.) Ya, ya, ya! Suffin 
fine in dar, 1 reckon. Dey hab lots ob nice tings in de lotteries. 
I'm one ob 'em. 

Col. {Proudly.) Unquestionably, unquestionably. 
Miss P. {Anxious to see it opened.) HadH't you better — ah, wouldn't 
it be well to open it at once, •sir.' It might be perishable. (Col. 
turns front of box to her.) 

Col. Open it, please, open it. I'm in such a state of nervous tre- 
pidity that I cannot do it. (Miss P. raises cover two or three inches 
and peeps in. Machinery inside blows flour into her face., eyes and hair 
Bus. of shaking flour off.) 

Sn. Shure nutT, dar vjus sutfin^'w^^ in dar. You's " de flower ob 
de family" now. Miss. 

Miss P. {Indignant.) Lottery! I'll warrant Fred had a han'd in 
that. {Exits L, loftily.) 

Sn. {Aside.) And some one else had a nose in it. {Struts off^ 
brushing off four in imitation of Miss P. 

Enter Mr. P., 7?; looks for letter. Col. sinks into a seat and tvatches 
him over his paper. 

Mr. P. {Aside.) The letter is gone ; by this time the leaven is 
well at work . ( Takes a seat. Col. steals up behind him., glances at his 
collar., nods., and seats himself again.) 



26 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Enter Dr., i?, %vith riding whtj) atid hat. 

Dr. Here you are, Mr. Patroni. I have looked almost every- 
where on the premises for yow. 

Mr. P. (Aside.) Now^ is my chance to insult the puppy. (Di- 
rect.) Weli, sir, I hope you don't want to dose me. How is the 
pill business, now, doctor.' 

Dr. (Surprised.) Dose you.' No; I only want to question you. 
Have you been saying anything to Miss Belmont derogatory to 
my character.? 

Mr. P. Suppose I have, what then.? 

Dr. Then, sir, you would prove it, or I would publish you as a 
liar. (Col. peers nervously over ne-wspaper.) 

Col. (Aside.) Correct. 

Mr. P. Liar, sir! 2 'o?^ call we a liar.? 

Dr. No sir; I simply said that if you have defamed my character 
you will prove it, or I'll prove you a liar. 

Mr P. It's the same thing; t resent it. This difficulty can only 
be settled in accordance ^vith the code. 

Dr. Code! Bosh! This is too enlightened an age to talk of codes. 
Duelling days are done. None but brutes fight duels. 

Col. (Aside, over /lis paper.) I'd rather be a brute than fight a duel. 

Mr. P. None but cowards object to the code, — that's my opinion. 

Dr. Your opinion is of vast importance; suppose I absolutely 
refuse to engage in any affair of honor with you ? 

Mr. P. In that case I would denounce you as a coward and a 
scoundrel. 

Enter Sx. D in F; seizes Dr. by the arm, and tries to drag him off 

Sn. (Excitedly^ Doctah,j,doctah, dar's a woman down stair wot 
sent me up yhar in a hurry. Her chjllen's all got de morphines, 
and she wants a bottle of measles to cure em. Has 30U got enny.? 

Dr. Wait a moment, Snowball. (To Mr. P.) Denounce me 
when and where you will. What you may sa}' shall pass by me 
as the idle wind, for I utterly ignore both you and your barbarous 
code. 

Mr. P. (In a rage.) Then you are a cowardly scoundrel ! 

Sn. (Excited.) Doesn't you resent dat, Doctah.? Doesn't you 
resent dat.' 

Dr. (Coolly.) No, boy ; I am above resenting a lie. 

Sn. I ain't. De bible's agin lyin. (Seizes whip front Dr.^s hand, 
strikes Mr. P. a sharp blow over the head with it, theti Jails back two 
or three steps.) 

Air. P. (Almost insane tuith rage^ You black devil ! That blow 
shall be your last. (Draws dagger, and starts toward Snowball. 
Col. dances around betxveen Mr. P. and Sn.; drazvs his sword, and 
presents it nervously at Patroni's breast.) 

Col. (hi a high key.) Sir, if you have any kind of regai'd for your 
heart's blood, or your shirt front, desist' from your sanguine pur- 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 27 

pose, or I — I I'll certainly inveigle jou upon the point of my 
sword. But, perhaps you don't grasp my meaning? 

Picture at close: Mr. P., L of C; Col., R C; Sx., behind Col. 
Dr.; extreme R. 

CURTAIN. 



J^OO? III. 



SCENE I. Interior of a doctor'' s office; small table at back, -^vith 
lamp burning upon it ; couch at R; chairs R and L ; hook in 
sceite at R ; door in back and R. 

Immediately after curtain^ groans heard 'without. Enter Sn. D 
in F, doubled up zvith pain. Sees room is vacant and looks cheerful. 

Sn. Land ob goodness! Had dat fuss-fer-nuffin — Tought dat 
doctah was yhar. Jes a wastin my sweetness on de desert air; 
now I'll rest my sweet self on a deserted chair. [Drops i7ito chair, 
crosses legs afid sings.) : " Put my little shoes awav" — in de pantrv 
an leabe me in em. Clare to goodness I's stood round so long I's 
got a fearful rush of blood to de feet, but I reckon dar's room fer 
it. (Takes out his %i'atch, and thumps it tivelve times on a chair.) 
Time dat, doctah, war yhar. My chronometah has ies vibrated 
de hour ob twelve. Ef I warn'ta fool, I'd tell dat doctah he's 
likely to hab an almighty sudden visitor to-night. Gorry, I'll tell; 
no, I won't nudder. Ef dat visitor didn't come, den Barney an 
me would git larfed at fer our susperspichun. Let him come, an 
I'll transcribe fer him, [produce's a large navy revolver,) an mv dose 
will be bout seben blue pills, to be well shaken before taken, ya, 
va. Dat's a new-fangled bell punch, bound to attract attention 
when used. I'm one ob em. (Hears step, hides revolver and feigns 
■sickness.) 

Enter Dr. Z? in F. 

Dr. Are you sick. Snowball.' You look pale. 

Sn. Not zackly sick, sah, dough I'm pale, as usual, but I's got a 
pain in mv — in my somick, sali, an I wants jes a trifle ob medicine, 
suffin sweet, mixed wid a little rum to keep it from spoilin. 

Dr. I guess you can keep it from spoiling. (Steps off R.) 

Sn. I'll try ter git ar ter stay yhar all night. I'll sleep wif one 
eye open, or wif my mouf open, an dat will do jes as well. Ef dat 
chap comes — ( Taps place tohere revolver is concealed.) 

Re-enter Dr., zvith a bottle and glass. 

Dr. Here is something that will give you immediate relief, I 



28 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

think. (^Pours medicine^ Sn. drinks and dances xvildly about ^ making^ 

faces.) 

Sn. Golemity, sah, ef dat's immejit relief, I doesn't choice eny. 

Dr. Pshaw, that's nothing but a little capsicum and spirits. 

Sn. {Astonished.) Cap, — which.'' 

Dr. Cayenne pepper and spirits, that's all. 

Sji. Dat's enuft'. Tasted to me jes like de bizness ends ob foah 
quarts ob yeller jackets inixed up wif sulfiric asses. It doesn't 
zackly make de mouf water, ef it does de eyes. 
Dr. Wring out your eyes. Snowball, and eat this apple to remove 
the taste from your mouth. {Gives apple.) 

Sn. Tanks, sah; but dat's a mighty small apple to remove such a 
big taste from such a big mouf. {Eats.) 

Enter Barney D in F, holding his jatv; -winks at Sn. 

Bar. Faith, an dochtor, I hev a foin pain in me tooth, ontirely 
Fwat does yez think, u'd better it.^ 

Sn. Gib de gemman some ob dat immejit relief, dat balm of 
Gilead ye jest now gib me, and he'll tink he's a fine toof comb wif 
ebery toof achin fit ter break. 

Dr. Has your tooth pained you for some time.^ 

Bar. Some toime, is it.'' Shure an I've bed the tathe ache ivery 
day since I was born, sor. 

Dr. If that's the case, you'd better have it extracted. 

Bar. I don't know that, sor. Don't it hort a bit.'' 

Dr. Oh, yes, some, of course; but it isn't long. 

Bar. No, sor, not more tb.an five or six fate long, anyhow. But 
it ud be ine blackguard luck to hev the roots of them same tathe 
makin a double bow-knot clear undernath me toes. But fwat 
wud yez be afther chargin me, dochtof .'^ 

Dr. Our rates for extracting teeth are fifty cents for a single one 
or a dollar for three. 

Bar. Well, 1 think I'll hev a dollar's worth pulled, thin. The 
others don't trooble me onny, but it's a dale chaper accordin. 

Dr. All right; I'll get the forceps and some cotton ready. {Exit 
Dr. D in F. Bar. takes Sn. dotvn L.) 

Bar. {Rapidly, and in a low tone.) Whist, now, an I'll tell yez. 
About dark I heard two men talkin under the bridge, an I listened 
says one, saj^s he: be thayre pi-omptly on toime, I hev a can uv 
povvther ready, an we'll blow the nuisances into a thousand atoms. 
Ye'd little think who it wuz thet sed it. Be on yez guard now, 
by; I'll watch the road outside. Yez musn't slape a wink to-night, 
nagur. {In nstial tone.) Wot's that dochtor afther.^. 

S71. Pears to me he sed he'd git a coffin. 

Bar. An does he pull tathe with a coffin.^ Faith, an I almost 
wish I wuz a dafe mute w-idout a tooth in me head. 

Sn. You doesn't know v\'hat toof-ache is. Wait till vour teef gits 
as big as mine. See dat toof dar on the oft" side.? {S'hovjs it.) Dat 
toof s achin now like sin, but I doesn't mine it. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 29 

Bar. Hovvly Moses! If I had a tooth loike that, I'd pull it with 
a string. (^Produces a string, and inakes a loop in it.) Thajre, hook 
that over yer bicupid, an the heftot" the string will pull it. Thajre, 
now, sate yezsilf, an fasten the string to that hook. [S^. obeys.) 
Now, throw yez head back gintly, an ye'U hev no more trouble 
wid yez tooth than a bank cashier hez wid his conscience. (Sx. 
ikrovjs head back gently against string. Barney dra-vs a revolver 
and thrusts it in his face. Sx .'s head flies back; he falls over the chair 
to floor, leaving tooth hanging to string. Barxey holds tip string 
and tooth and roars -with laughter.) 

Bar. I think ye'U kape awake now widout trooble, an ef thar's 
any foitin tobe done, ye'U feel in condition fer it. Jes tell the doch- 
tor I've gone after the dollar. {Exit B.\R. D in F. Sx. takes 
string from tooth and looks ruefully at both.) 

Sn. Golly, only one.'' I tougt the whole gang war comin out. 

Enter Dr. -with forceps. 

Dr. Where is that man with the tooth ache, and what was all 
that noise about.'' 

Sn. I didn't yhar any, sah, I felt some noise, dough. {Shows 
tooth to Dr.) Dat's some ob Barney Moore's pickin. Dat's de 
wust job ob toof harvestin I's seen. (Groans.) Not de right toof 
at all. 

Dr. ( Taking povjder from phial on knife.) Here is a powder 
that will make you feel more comfortable. 

Sn. Is dat some more ob your Cap Sickum, sah.'' 

Dr. No, this is all right. (Sx. takes it.) I'm glad that fellow is 
gone, for I want some sleep. It's nearly one o'clock, and I have 
a call to make at four. You take that blanket and make yourself 
as comfortable as possible, and I'll lie here on the couch. (Sx. 
wraps himself in blanket and lies on floor down L,. Dr. turns doxvn 
lamp and sinks upon couch. Both are breathing heavily.) 

Enter Patroxi, D in E, masked. Carries a three or four qt. can 
labeled gutipowder, a?id a revolver poised. Speaks low and distinctly. 

Mr. P. Aha, what isn't it worth to be born under a lucky star. I 
no sooner think of an explosion, than one of my worst enemies 
places a can of powder within my reach. (Touches cati with 
revolver.) And now my star of fortune again favors me, by send- 
ing that black imp here, to meet the common fate with that white- 
livered hound. {Points revolver at Dr.) What will not one do, 
prompted by desire for revenge, urged on by love— and fortune. 
(Places can on stand with label to back, and places taper in nozzle.) 
Blood I hate, it tattles; this tells no tales. If Clifford will only 
come to enjoy the ascension with them, I sliall be happy. I hope 
Lafarge has made no mistake. (Low whistle without; Mr. P, 
listefts. Whistle heard again.) He comes, I hear the signal, 
(Lights taper and hisses out): Oh, how sweet is revenge! Sleep 
on now, fools, until to-morrow. For yovi it is to-morrow. The light 



30 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

of the only to-morrow you will ever know shines for you now. 
{Points to taper ^ Farewell. {Rubs Ins Jiniids gleefully.) I see the 
obstructions vanishing from my path. Farewell, a long, a loud 
farewell. {Exit D in F. Enters soon ajter., Cyril.) 

Cyril. AH asleep.'' Must be some mistake. Could I have mis- 
understood the fellow.? Ifit's a joke, it's a poor one to call a fellow 
up at this time of night. {Sees taper.) Queer lights they keep 
here. {Examines can. Sn. azvakes., rises to sitting postu-re attd im' 
mediately fires at Cyril.) 

Cyril. Hold! Would you murder a friend.? {Sn. fires again. 
Cyril r/ens out D in F. Dr. has sprung up bezvildered , and rushes 
aper him. 

Sn. Go it! I tink it's safer in de house. I'm fear'd ob giLlin sun 
stroked, ef I go out sech an evenin as dis. Friends in a horn. I'm 
one ob — {Revolver goes off as he holds it by his side. He . caps into 
the air .^ then holds up his foot to examine it.) By de holy mackeiel, 
slie am safe. I tougt that little loot had climbed de golden stair 
fer de las time. It's a miraculum she warn't tored all into little 
pieces no bigger dan a wash tub. {Revolver goes off again}) Dat 
'volver's nerves am shattered. I am one ob em. 

Enter Cyril D in F., hat over his eyes.,_fo'.loived by Dr. vjith an ax. 

Dr. One attempt at resistance, villain, and I'll brain you. (Sx. 
is ready with revolver. Dr. turns lamp up, and sees can on table; 
taper nearly burned doivn.) Heavens! {Blozvs out taper.) What 
infernal plot is this.? 

Sn. Dat's wot he war iixin when I gub him one. 

Dr. Gunpowder! {Removfs taper caref idly, and pours poivdennta 
his hand.) The can is filled with powder and ball. (Cyril is agi- 
tated.) Wretch, what does this mean.? {Tui ns Cyril to lights., 
feers into his face, falls back astonislied.) Clifford, Cyril Clifford, as 
I live. {Sinks into a chair. Sn. drops revolver; drops o« his knees 
and. groans.) 

Sn. Oh Lor, oh Lor, oh Lor! 

Cyril. Yes, Cyril Clifford. Trapped by some scheming rascal, 
but innocent of any attempt to harm you. 

Enter Barney D in F, holding his head. 

Bar. Faith, an yez hev the spalpeen. {Recognizes Cyril.) Ah, 
and is it yez, me young gintleman, caught in sich a scrape. It's 
Barney Moore that wud be glad to see yez safe out uv it. But I 
recognized yez under the bridge, and I suspected yez. 

Cyril. Suspected me, sir.? 

Bar. I'd a been glad to let yez go, but me con science sez to me, 
sezit: ef he's mean enough to try it, he's mean enough to get 
caught at it. 

Cyril. Beware how you accuse an innocent man. I was under 
the bridge to get a man to do some blasting for me in uncle's park. 
Of this {pointing to can) I know nothing, except that I was sum- 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 31 

moned here to see a sick friend; by whom summoned I do not 
know. I found the door unlocked, and entered; saw the can, and 
light; and while looking at them, Snowball tried to shoot me. 

Sn. Oh, fergib me, massa Cjril; I didn't know it wuz vou, deed 
I didn't. 

Bar. Didn't I see yez wid thai same can only yisterday.'* 

Cyril. {Looking at can.) Yes, I bought that can yesterday to do 
the blasting, and left it in an outer cellar ; how it came here, I know 
not. 

Sn. I believe you, sah; I believe you. 

Baf, One more question — 

Sn. You'd bettah let your questions stop your yawp. Why wasn't 
you yhar to join in de fracas.'' 

Bar. Thot's it. I hadn't more than left here, whin some one 
gintly let a pile-driver drap on me head, an I fell as stiff as the 
Cardiff Giant. The first thing me hand grasped, on comin to, 
wuz this knife. {Sho-vs one.) I reckon the chap wot give me the 
tap, is the one thot drapped it. Hev yez sane it before.'' 

Cyril. The knife is mine, but I cannot explain it. Everything is 
against me, but I am innocent. 

Dr. This is indeed a suspicious showing. I can scarcely' believe 
you guilty ; (Col's face at %vindovj.) but circumstantial evidence is 
against you. Many a man, Mr. Clifford, has suffered death on less 
conclusive evidence. 

Cyril. I admit it; and our quarrel, or rather, my insolence, at the 
time of our last meeting, only gives the matter an uglier look. 
Do with me as you like; I am resigned and innocent. (CoL.'s_/rtce 
disappears from 7vindovj.) 

Dr. I will take no legal action at present, but will give you an 
opportunity to find the real culprit, if you can. It will also give 
you an opportunity to go abroad, if you are guilty. 

Cyril. I see you suspect me, doctor, but I will never confirm your 
suspicions by running away. When you want me, you can easily 
find ine. 

Dr. I confess I cannot quite strangle my suspicions, but I owe 
you no ill will. 

Cyril. I'll prove my innocence, or die in the attempt. (Exit.) 

Dr. {To Bar. and Sn.) Don't mention this occurrence. Time 
will show where the guilt lies. We'll have the experts out. Re- 
member, success depends upon silence. {Exit D in R.) 

Bar. Did he have the can when he camed in.'' 

Sti. {Very lozv-spirited.) I dunno. 

Bar. An did yez go to slape afther losin thot tooth.'* 

Sn. De doctah gub me sutfin wot made me sleep. When I waked 
up, he war stan'n jes whar you iz. Den I takes de resolver so, an 
— {Shozving him. Rezvlvcr goes of, pointed at Bar.) 

Bar. {Seizing a chair.) Ye grimy divil, wad yez be afther killin 
me, too .'' 

Sn. No. sah, no, sah. I didn't mean to hab it go off. (Bar. 



32 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 



fnts dozvn chair.) Dat 'volver's as uncertain as a mule. Shoot de 
'volver. {Throws it out the 'L.vindo-M. It goes off outside.) Jes heah 
dat, now. 

Bar. Ef ye'U let the blarsted thing alone, it'll shoot itself yit. 
But let's lave here, we've had fun enough. Ef the by is innocent, 
we must find it out. Divil take thedirthy dodge that did the dade. 
{Exit both D in F.) 

Change. 



SCENE II. Sce7ie same as Art I. 

Enter Miss P. /?, -with a novel. 

Miss P. I wonder where that bundle of aggravation, known as 
Fred, is keeping himself If he isn't here at study hours, I'm not 
accountable. {Sits R of table, facing it, and reads.) 

Enter Fred cautiously, R, ivith a large placard labeled in large 
letters: '■'■To flease me, Squeeze we," and fastens it on Miss P.'s back 
at shoulders; slips off", and comes in D in F, ivhistling loudly. 

Miss P. Take your grammar, Fred, and study your lesson. 
I'll hear yesterday's lesson soon. {Continues reading^ Fred 
spreads Grammar on table; takes a pin fro7n his coat.) 

Fred. {Aside.) I'll put up a pin where it will give some one the 
grand bounce. Fixes pin in chair 7ip; takes large cigar fro?n pocket, 
puts it in mouth; sits tvith Jeet upon center-table; takes out a pack of 
cards, and is looking at than ivhen 

Mr. B. enters L, i E, and peers over Fred's shoulder . Mr. B. 
gives him a sharp slap. 

Fred. You hold a good hand, Governor; dont want me to fol- 
low suit, I suppose.? 

Mr. B. Follow suit, eh.? {Gives him another slap.) I'm the one 
to follow suit. Is this the way you employ your study hours.? 

Fred. {Whining.) Pity if a feller can't look at some little chro- 
mos what he gits at Sunday-school, without gittin slapped all to 
pieces for it. (Mr: B. seizes cards and cigar, and throxvs them off.) 

Miss P. Give me the grammar, Freddie, I'll hear yesterday's 
lesson. (Fred obeys. Mr. B. sits and. listetis.) 

Miss P. What is a verb, Freddie.' 

Fred. {Sullenly.) Verb is the name of anything. (Miss P, 
shakes her head.) 

Miss P. What is an adverb.? 

Fred. I dunno. 

Miss P. What is a participle.? 

Fred. Word derived from the office of — I dunno. 

Mr. B. Do you know anything about nouns, Fred.? {Fred 
nods.) Decline "table." 

Fred. I might do that, but you don't catch me declining dinner. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 33 

Mr. B. Why, Prucilla, the boy knows no more of grammar than 
a thug does of theology. 

Fred. {Brightening up.) Try me on adjectives, Govey. I 
know all about theni things. 

Miss P. {Aside to Fred.) Those things you mean, Fred. 

Fred. If you call me mean Fred, I'll steal your false teeth 
and give 'em to the Colonel. 

Mr. B. That will do. Come, compare the adjective, good. 

Fred. Trot one out, and I'll compare it as good as I know how. 

Mr. B. I want you to give the comparison of that particular 
adjective, good. 

■ Fred. Now I twig. Good, better, best; wet, wetter, M^est; 
soon, booner, sudden; pork, beef, mutton; cuss, custai:d, cust; boil, 
boiler, bust. There! I guess the gilt edged thing to do next is to 
parse, so I'll parse out doors. {Sidles vp D in F.) Miss Peterson, 
don't forget to conjugate the verb, love, for the Col. I heard you at it 
yesterday. {Imitating.) I love, you love, he's lovely. {Exit D in F) 

Mr. B. {Angry.) That's a sample of what novel-reading, hu- 
mane societv meetings and Foreign Missionary Associations, will 
do. That boy's conduct is the disgraceful result of a disgraceful 
course of training. Miss Peterson. 

Miss P. Of course. I am responsible for the whole of it. 

Mr. B. ( Walking Jloor.) You have undertaken to teach that 
boy, and you imposed the task upon yourself. Now you spend 
your time worrying over the poor, dear animals, instead of giving 
that boy a little of your time and attention. 

Miss P. Well, I can't see that my neglect of him is any worse 
than your own. You had the training of him nine years before 
I ever saw him. But of course, I am solely to blame for his 
Avretched behavior. {Exits /?, indignant.) 

Mr. B. Perhaps there is some truth in what she says, after all. 
The almighty dollar has had too much of my attention, and the 
boy too little; I fear we are both to blame. If the present storm 
blows over, and I ever am again on my legs, that worthless boy 
shall know more of a father's care and attention. (Enter Sn. -•.vitii 
letter, hands it and exits. Mr. B. opens., and reads.') 

Mr. Belmont, 

Dear Sir : — It pains me to inform you that your title to the 
estate you now occupy, is invalid. By a technicality you were 
defrauded in the purchase of the estate, which fact has been made 
clear to me by the attorney of the claimant to the property. The 
name of the rightful heir is not known to me, neither will said 
attorney divulge it at present. Come down prepared for a com- 
promise. Yours, J. P. Smith, 

Attornej'-at-Law. 

(Mr. B. sinks back in chair.) Beggar! There is no hope, or Smith 
would never write in that strain. This is a gambler's, a stock 
gambler's fate. {Groans., and staggers off R.) 



34 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Enter Agnes and Mr. P., D. 

Mr. P. I have just been reading, for the twentieth time, that old 
story of Pyramus and Thisbe. What nobleness of spirit to sacri- 
fice everything, even life, for love. 

Agnes. The story doesn't affect me that way, at all. I think 
them a couple of fools. 

Mr. P. Please don't say so, Miss Belmont. Think how poor 
Pyramus must have felt when he supposed his love was torn to 
pieces by a lion. 

Agnes. That's no worse than to be torn to pieces by many 
another thing, gunpowder, for instance. 

Air. P. (Starts slightly alarmed. Aside.) Can she suspect.' 

Agnes. I suppose you have heard it rumored that an attempt 
was made to assassinate the doctor, the other night. It seems 
some one went there after the doctor, and from the outside got an 
inkling of the matter. 

Mr. P. Yes, I heard of the rumor. I came near being killed 
in that same manner, myself. I was traveling in Italy. My guide 
drugged and robbed me, and then attempted to explode a keg of 
powder under my bed. 

Agnes. Nothing but a fiend incarnate would think of such a 
deed. I hope there is a hereafter, and a serious one, for such vile 
wretches. But I was not aware before, that you had traveled in 
Europe. 

Air. P. Ah, but haven't I.' You should visit the Coliseum by 
moonlight, glide through the streets of Venice, or gaze upon the 
glorious crest of the Jungfrau, towering heavenward in all its grand 
and spotless puiitv. 

Agnes. {Earnestly^ The dream of my life has been to visit those 
places, of which I have lieard so much. 

Air. P. (Seizing her hand fassionately.) Agnes, dear Agnes, 
that dream may prove a bright reality. A single word will open 
the way. Only say you will be mine, that you will flee with me 
to distant lands, and you shall spend a lifetime, if you will, among 
those charming — 

Fred. ( M'tt/iout, calling loudly.) Aggie, I say, Agnes, where are 
you.'' (Enter Fred -cvitk a bottle of hair oil. Mr. P. drops Agnes' 
hand.) Whose hair oil is this.? 

Agnes. It's Miss Peterson's. I'll take it to her. 

Fred. No, you don't. She'll get it by paying for it. 

Agnes. I'll tell her you have found it, then. E.Kcuse me for a 
few moments, Mr. Patroni. (Exits R.) 

Air. P. (Aside.) Curse that young cur's interference. 

Fred. (Aside.) Wonder what Goose Grease is grumbling about 
now. (Exit Mr. P. D in F. Fred inspects the chair 'where he has 
left the fin^ Still ready for business. (Sets bottle 071 stand.) Miss 
Peterson won't advance any stamps on this hair oil, I linow. It's 
too thin, anyhow ; it must be thickened. (Steps off R; brings on a 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 35 

bottle of viHcilage. ; holds it up.) Mucilage, that's the huckleberry. 
About 'alf and 'alf will make her laugh. {Pours mucilage into 
Jiair oil.) There! That would be a better joke if the joung thing 
didn't wear store hair. It won't hurt, but it will hold. {Exit R., 
ivitli mucilage., leaving hair oil.) 

Enter Sn. ; vjalks very shnvly aud lazily, 

Sn. Golly! I's dat tired and weak I couldn't pull a settin' bumble 
bee oil' it's nest. {Drops into chair ivherepin ts. Bounds into the air.) 
Oh! how my conscience do prick me. {Takes pin o/f chair.) Shoot 
de pin back. Some of Fred's crookedness. Dat's an eberlishun of 
childish innocence dat orter stan' in close nearness to a club. {Sees 
bottle on table ; takes it up and reads label.) Potation ob Bay Rum. 
Potation .-* Dat means good ter drink; rum is; I'll try it. {Drinks, 
and makes a face. Reads.) Fer de har. I'll try it. Hope it's 
bettah for de har den it is fer de taste. {Rubs it into his hair.) 

Enter Fred, R. 

Fred. Hello! What you up to, Black'oall.' 

Sn. Limberin my locks wif dis potation. 

Fred. Pomatum, you numskull. A potation is something to 
,.drink. 

Sn. Dat's my logic, else I shouldn't ob drunk enny ob it. 

Fred. Jerusalem ! Have you been drinking that stuft'.' 

Sn. Sartin I hez. Wh-wh-what am it.'' 

Fred. ' {Horrified.) You'll be as stiff as a poker in less than ten 
minutes. It has mucilage in it. 

Sn. {In agony.) Muckleage.' You doan mean it. You're tryin 
to cod me. 

Fred. That dose will cod you soon enough, if you don't do 
something. 

Sn. Oh Freddy, my deah boy, fer de love ob hardenin' humanity 
tell me what to do to keep me soft. 

Fred. {Tearing leaves out of grammar.) Here, swallow this, 
and the paper will absorb the mucilage. Then run to the doctor, • 
and let him pump you. {Exit Sn., £> in F, chewing paper) Ha, 
ha! Perhaps he will quit tasting of everything, after this. Strange 
that I should happen to tear that everlasting review out ol' mv 
grammar for Snowball to digest. {Looks off L.) Hello! Here 
comes the Colonel; hasn't been here for three days, I'll keep 
watch of him. It might be he has drawn another grand lottery 
prize. {Crazvk behind couch.) 

Enter Col. L. 

Col. {Peering about at rooui apd furniture) Yesterday, a pe- 
nurious beggar ; to dav, a second Crocus. Strange that fortune's 
wheel, with one swift turn, should whirl me into possession of 
these massive walls and specious grounds. Fortune's wheel, accept 
thanks. Heir to this vast property! lean scarcely believe my 



36 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

eje-glasses. Nothing repulsive about it, anyhow. I am free to 
wed, ha, ha! This estate will sell for at least two and five 
aughts. On that I can get an inteiest of six. That will give 
twelve and three aughts. That's enough for Prucilla and Alphon- 
so. They must not know yet the name of the heir apparent, — no, no, 
I don't mean that, of course. This heir is not a parent. Name of 
.the heir to the property a secret! Ha, ha! Good! Soldier of 
Fortune, I should say so. Perhaps I don't grasp my own mean- 
ing. 

£ti/t r Mr. P., R, and Cyril, L. Fred crazvls out, and exits un- 
noticed. 

Mr. P. {Botving low to Col., tJie7i to Cyril.) Good morrow, 
my lords. In all humbleness I bear, to each of you, a message 
from the master of Belmont Hill. . 

Ida enters np Z-, zvalks across, and stops before going off. 

Col. We are fortunate in being able to hear the master's pleas- 
ure. 

Cyril. Out with it. 

Mr. P. I deliver my message, not by express command, but 
on account of frequent hints thrown out to me. To you, most 
noble sword-bearer, I convey the implied wish of Mr. Belmont 
that yovi seek for quarters el-sewhere. 

Col. (Aside.) Wants to excommunicate me from my own 
house, eh? I don't believe it. (Direct.) Am I to understand 
that my room is better than my regiment — I should say, better 
■than jr>y company.' 

Mr. P. That some would take it so, is true, most valiant wear- 
er of the blue. (7^0 Cyril.) And to you, my lord of the tin can, 
your venerable uncle sends greeting, and says you will be welcome 
here after you have accounted for that little episode of recent mid- 
night occurrence. 

Cyril. (Very angry.) Allow me to remark, sir, that uncle 
never told you anything of the kind, nor has he ever hinted it; 
and any one who asserts such a thing for a fact, is the most out- 
rageous liar in the universe. 

Mr. P. Do you mean to insinuate that I lie.'' 

Cyril. Insinuate nothing. Insinuation I'll -leave for coward 
rogues. I say that if you claim Mr. Bennont sent you here on 
such an errand, you lie. Now niake the most of it. 

Mr. P. (Coolly.) Humph! Coward rogues sounds immensely 
Tvell in the mouth of a midnight assassin. 

Cyril. Do you so far forget yourself as to insinuate that I am a 
midnight assassin.' 

Mr. P. Oh, no. I insinuate nothing. I call you so, and so I 
\vill call you when chance permits us to meet. Brave lad, to seek 
to take a rival's life by stealth, because too chicken-hearted to meet 
him fairly. You're a promising youth, you are. 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 37 

Cyrtl. (Aside.) . I'll die rather than be thus goaded. {Direct.} 
Sir, you shall answer for this in your own chosen way. I'll send 
a friend to make arrangements. 

All'. P. 'Tis well, 'tis very well. I'll give you practice with 
powder and ball outside of a tin can, I hope. {Exits L, laughing. 
Ida cxiis R U E.) 

Cyril. {In a rage) Curse his villain heart! What mischief is 
brewing and all for him.' He slanders the Doctor, until Agnes 
refuses to see hi nj ; he tries to rule the house, and uncle with it; 
he insults you and me on every occasion. Would that he, vile 
wolf, had never entered here to mar the happiness of this peaceful 
fold. 

Col. {Looking knoxving.) My dear young friend, you have 
named but a small portion of his wolfish depredations. But I 
must seek m.y lady love and beat my light catarrh. {Exit R i E. 
Cyril sinks into a chair.) 

Enter Ida, L U E; comes quickly do-vn and drops on knees at side of 
Cyril's chair. Bus. of his noticing her. 

Ida. Oh, sir, did you ever have occasion to ask a favor of one 
you esteemed highly, but from whom you feared a lefusal.'' 

Cyril. {Smiling.) I cannot recollect of having been so situated. 

Ida. I am so situated at present, Mr. Clifford, and I want your 
advice. 

Cyril. My advice is, go plead your own cause. If the one you 
speak of has a soul, nothing can foil the argument of your sweet 
voice and glistening eye. 

Ida. The one of whom I speak has a soul, for thou art he. 

Cyril. 1? You surely cannot plead in vain. If anything in 
my power to grant, your request should not remain unspoken. 

Ida. Thank you, sir; your kindness is unbounded. And yet, 
the cause I would plead is your own, as well as mine. 

Cyril. Please name it. 

Ida. You have just now, while momentary anger heiu sway, 
challenged him to mortal combat. Only a few days ago, you vowed 
that you loved me. I would that for one moment i might 
revive that love so you would pledge your word that you will 
withdraw the challenge at once. Say, oh say that you will grant 
my request, and make me happy. It surely is within yovir power; 
say you will. 

Cyril. To grant your request, dear madam, is not within my power. 
My honor has been most basely assailed, and before it even my will 
cowers in abject servitude. Therefore, much as it pains me to do 
so, I must refuse. 

Ida. Do not say that. I beg this poor boon more for your 
sake than mine. Listen to reason. You have challenged him. 
He has the choice of weapons, and the choice will be pistols, with 
which his skill is almost superhuman. Many a time have I seen 
him cut short a glowing wick, at twenty paces; I never saw him 



38 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

fail. How easy would it be for him to cut short a human existence. 
I will not leave >ou until you promise. Even were you to slay 
him, the canker of remorse would gnaw away your happiness with 
the thought tliat you had been the messenger of death to one of 
A'our fellow men." I beg of you, let me not plead in vain. (Cyril 
faces the fioor in great agitation .) 

Cvril. (Stopping before her ^ Miss Lovewell, perhaps you little 
know how this struggle pains me, but I must be firm. As you 
not long since said "to me, so say I now to you. Honor, honor 
must remain inviolate. 

Enter '}A.v.. P., L. 

Mr. P. Madam, this way. 

Ida. Sir, I will not. 

Mr. P. Will not.'' Remember the old father, and the prospect 
of his intimacy with the grate. 

Ida. {In terror.) I'm coming, sir. {Aside to Cyril.) Refuse 
to keep the engagement, while there is yet time. If you love me, 
do. {Exits submissively to Z-, 'vitk Patroni.) 

Cyril. {Amazed.) Intimacy with the great. What strangely 
potent spell those words cast about her! It's beyond my shallow 
comprehension. {Exits R i E.) 

Enter Col. and Miss P., P. U. E. 

Col. {Speaking as they enter.) It was perfectly sublime, perfectly 
glorious, perfectly — I might say, very nice indeed. It reminded me 
of a scene that occurred in the battle of Chicken Hominy, the 
day after I met a beautiful auburn blonde, and fell head over 
heels in — 

Miss P. In love, sir.? 

Col. No, no; fell head over neels into a riflea pit, just as I was 
about to help the beautitul auburn blonde to dismount. 

Miss P. And you weren't indulging in tender love glances, at all.? 

Col. Oh, certainly not at all, only at the beautiful blonde, — I 
■would say, only at the beautiful blue Danube. But, speaking of love, 
so to speak, reminds me that my stay in Mr. Belmont's residence is 
s^hort; and before I depart, it would" please me to make you some 
trifling gift. 

Aliss P. Not stay longer with Mr. Belmont.? 

Col. No, dear madam, no. On leaving, what covild I give you 
as a token of slight esteem — I mean, as a slight token of esteem; a 
memento to remind you of the many happy days we have passed 
here .? 

Miss P. Anything that would serve as a reminder of you, 
■would be prized irio.^t highly. {Gives him a tender glance, then 
turns partly from him in confusion. Col. sees placard, and hastily 
steps to her side, and encircles her zvaist xvith right arm; makes no 
effort to release herself) Why, what do you mean, sir, by taking 
such premature liberties.? 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 39 

Col. I only squeeze you in order to please you. 

Miss P. Oh, my, for shame, sir! Such undignified language. 
Let me go. Who said it would please me.' (Col. releases her, and 
takes of placard, and skoxi's it to her.) 

Col. My information was derived from this poetic announce- 
ment. 

Miss P. {Shrieks.) Oh, horror! That wretched Fred. [Sitiksinto 
chair; Col. sits by her side. They fartrallv face audience.) 

Enter Frkv, D in F, xvifh a fish foh\iviich he cautioiislv hooks 
into CoL.'s -ivig. 

Col. About that trifling present. Now, suppose I were to say 
myself; (Miss P. catches her breath;) that would surely be trifling. 
Would it be quite satisfactory to you.'' 

Aliss P. Oh, you have taken me so by surprise. Colonel — I 
should say Alphonso Adoiphus; — so unexpected, I hardly know 
what to say. It wouldn't be just exactly polite for me to ret'use, 
would it.' No young lady wants to be considered impolite — so — 
I'll — say — yes. (Yaet> stidde?ily stvmg''' tvig' into air oh pole, shoxv- 
ing Col's bald head. CoL. aud Miss P. sprii/j>- to their feet. Miss 
P. stands amazed. CoL. dances abnit the room in the ^wildest excite- 
ment, ivith his hands .'Spread over his shiiy crown.) 

Fred. {Loudly.) Two souls with but a single thought. 

Both know the Colonel's hair is bought. 

CURTAIN. 



.A.OT IV. 



SCENE I. Grounds surrounding the Belmont residence. Beauti- 
ful vegetation. \ Mis^ht be interior of mansion, in hall or par- 
lor .) Two or three rustic seats. 

Enter Cyril, P. 

Cyril. {Looking at watch.) Twenty minutes past seven. The 
hour is fixed at ten. That this is the last time I shall see the glo- 
rious sun leap from her burnished portals in the east, the last time 
my senses will take in the charming freshness of a summer morn, 
is more than probable. Oh, what a fool was I to let that under- 
handed, scheming villain spring this trap upon me. Why did I let 
him goad me into challenging him, the very thing above all else 
he desired. With Fargo and myself out of his path, he hopes to 
w"in the hand of Agnes. {Enter CoL. U P. To Col.) Are the 
arrangements all completed? 



40 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Col. They are complete. 

Cyril. Colonel, if I die — 

Col. Tut, tut; never say die, until you are dead. 'Tis a word of 
ill omen. Methinks it hath a sickly sound. 

Cyril. If I fall to-day, Colonel, I want you to do all in your 
power to reconcile Agnes and the doctor. She surely will not 
marry this fellow if he succeeds in this day's venture. I am almost 
certain he has used some trick to alienate their affections. (Cc/. 
Iwzvs.) I have made my will. Agnes inherits my property if she 
marries the doctor, not otherwise. Poor girl, she will need it, for 
her father is on the verge of bankruptc3\ 

Col. Bankruptcy.'' You surprise me. I supposed him worth 
millions. 

Cyril. Plainly, Colonel, he has almost nothing. He was 
wealthy, but he suddenly struck a bad run in stocks, and now he 
can scarcely say he has a roof to shelter him, for I understand the 
title to Belmont Hill is anything but good. About the sum total 
of his worldly goods is comprised in a lot of old certificates of 
railroad stock, probably almost \alueless. He has been unable to 
settle with me within many thousands of dollars. Poor man, I 
pity him. BufI must go and bid them all farewell. Uncle and Ag- 
nes think I am about to start on a long journey, and perhaps I am. 
Be at the place of meeting promptly. 

Col. Delay at such a time cannot be considered dangerous. 

Cyril. Delay at such a time is weakness. {Exit. Fred steals 
in and listens. ) 

Col. Can it be true that Mr. Belmont is almost a beggar.^ Now 
what am I, the heir, to do.^ Belmont has always enjo\ed luxury. 
Fitznoodle has always enjoyed poverty. Isn't it best to have a 
change made.'' For Fitznoodle the doors of Belmont's house have 
ever stood ajar. Must Fitznoodle go to that kind old man and 
say: Sir, you have shown me many favors, but as I am heir to this 
estate, you must step out and down.? Something struggles within 
me. What it is, I know not. Perhaps it is gratitude, perhaps it is 
an accumulation of wind on the stomach. Be it what it may, I 
am resolved. The rightful heir must be conjured back, unknown, 
to the realm of shade whence he came. He must kindly collapse 
and leave this pleasant home undisturbed, save by the footprints 
of the hand of Providence. Time steals away, and so must I. 
Farewell, sweet dreams of home. Farewell, Prucilla dear. A 
beggar now I roam, and I — I — go to help fight a duel. {Exit.) 

Changk. 



SCENE II. A "wood. A lone tree up stage at /?, frefared for 
lightning. Hudson river at no great distayice. 

Enter Cyril, folloxved by Barney and Snowball. Snowball 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 41 

carries a case of pistols zvhich he places on ground up C. Cyril 
■walks back and forth tip stage. Sn. and Bar. come doivn. 

Sn. Land ob goodness! Dis am de wust job I's eber been 
called upon to honali wif my presence. I haba good will to keery 
dat pore bov away bodily. 

Bar. Ye'd bethter let tbe lad alone. Ye'd git hort. He's dead 
certain to fight, and he's certain dead if he does fight. Leastways 
that's what he thinks. 

Sn. Pears to me we might run de udder set ofi" de track. 

Bar. Yez can't switch em oft' so aisy. The only chance is thct 
the blackguard gintleman will consint to draw cuts for first shot. 

Enter T>k. E i E. 

Dr. Does the boy still persevere in his foolishness.'' 

Bar. Thot he does, sor. An it's a good name ye have called it, 
sor. But honor sticks hard in the poor by's crop. 

S71. Dat ar honah am sulfin I's not quainted wif, an I doan 
want no interductions to it nuddder. 

Bar. A foin sojer ye'd be widout honor. 

S7t. Sojer.'' No sojerin fer me, sah. I doesn't choose an v. I 
"am one ob em. 

Dr. Wouldn't you be a soldier to save vour countrv, Snow- 
baU.? 

S71. No, sah. What 'ud country be good fer to me, ef I wuz 
dead? Nuffin. Nuflin's good fer nuflin when you's dead, sah. 

Bar. By, ye're a coward. 

Sn. Hope I is. I'd rudder lib ten yeahs a coward den be dead 
twenty yeahs a hero. (Dr. goes up to Cyril.) 

Dr. Can nothing dissuade you I'rom your purpose.'' I hope you 
do not really consider this an aftair of honor. {Distant thunder.) 

Cyril. (lYot utikind/j.) Doctor, could pleading have influenced 
me, I had yielded long ere this; but words can no more turn me 
from my course than can the gentle rains of summer revive the 
fallen leaves cut oft' by last year's biting frosts. The die is cast. 
A fortune teller looked into my hand when I was but a boy, and 
perhaps her words were prophetic. She said, " I can see nothing 
there but the number twenty-three, and that is dimmed by blood." 
Doctor, I am twenty-three to-day. (Looks of li.) But here they 
come. . 

Enter Mr. P., accompanied by a friend. 

Dr. Is there no way, Mr. Patroni, by which this ditficidty can 
be amicably settled.? 

Mr. P. There is none, sir. [Enter Coi.., L.) 

Cyril. Let us not parley. (T't) Patroxi.) You are an expert 
with the pistol, I am not. I have this proposal to make. We will 
cast lots to see who shall shoot first. That will give me some 
slight chance. Come, sir, is not that fair.' 

Mr. P. Verdant as ever, I see. Do you not know that is a 



42 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 



matter for our seconds to settle? But Fll accept the condition. 
I hope vou have now no excuse for refusing to keep this engage- 
ment. "( TItundcr at distance. Col. puts two slifs of paper numbered 
I aud 2 into a hat. Patroxi goes dotvn R.) 

Col. {To P. ^s second.) Select one of these pieces of paper. If 
vou get number one, your friend is to have the first shot. Other- 
wise, Air. Cliftbrd's ordnance will be first heard from. 

J\/r. P. (Aside, zvhile tiiey arc dra-ving.) I trust my lucky star 
still shines. But if I get number iwo, I draw and shoot the fellow 
without formalit}', and trust to luck in escaping. 

JStis. of drawing. Much excitetiient. jMr. P.'s second dtinvs No. i. 
Dr. shades eyes with his hand. Sx. drops on his hnecs and tvceps. 
Bar. draws sleeve across his eyes. 

Mr. P. {Fiendishly^! Ha, ha, ha! Fool! {Goes up R. Cyril 
comes do-vn L. Mr. P. moves case of pistols to R, ivdh his foot. 
Lightning and thiifider.) 

Cyril. {Sadly, but firmly.) I see the result in your faces. 'Tis 
yours to stay, 'tis mine to go. This only hastens by a few years 
the inevitable. {Shakes hands ivith friends. They show deep emotion.) 

Sn. {Rising suddenly, and speaking firndy.) Look a yhar, frens. 
I wants ter tole yer suffin. Oust dar war a young nigger, and dat 
young nigger got de small-pox, bad. An wunst dar war a young 
white man, an dat young white man took keer ob dat young nigger 
all de while he war sick. Stuck right by him at de risk ob his 
own life till he got well; {lightning and thunder;) keered fer him 
like a mudder. Got him eberyting heart could wish; an sat by his 
bed nights when no udder would come anigh. All because dat 
young white man's heart war full ob sympafy wif de sufferin im de 
afflicted. I doan know ef dat young man's name is on enny ob 
de church account books, but I reckon dar's a right smart chance 
standin to his credit in de big book de angel keeps up dar. {Pohits 
Jieavcnward.) Dat pore nigger is before you. Dat noble young 
man slans dar. {Pointing to Cyril.) Oh, Cyril, boy, I's no hero. 
I's only a coward, a pore, miserable, cowardly nigger. But to-day 
I'll gib up dat life you sabed, dat life which belongs to you. {Goes 
up and drops on his knees before Mr. Y. who is leaning against the 
lone tree.) Oh, sah, lem me slan up dar in place ob dat deah boy, 
to be shot down. Lem me be his substitute, an de angels will 
whisper sweet words to yoi^^in yer dreams, and make yer happy. 
{Frequent flashes of lightning and hccny thu7ider.\ 

Cyril. Snowball, desist, I beg you. I appreciate your motives, 
and I thank you more than words can tell, but you cannot take 
my place. Live, and be happy. 

Mr. P. Yes, leave me, nigger, or I'll shoot you with as little 
compunction as I would a dog. 

Sn. Do it, sah, do it. Only let dat deah boy lib. (Mr. P. 
kicks Sn., who falls over backtvard, and then cratuls away. Brilliant 
lightning and heavy thunder.) 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 43 

Mr. P. Come, hurry up. The storm will soon be here, and we 
will be drenched with the rain. 

Col. May I have the privilege of interpolating a few words 
before this ball opens.'' 

Air. P. I care not, so jour words be short ones. 

Col. There are some reasons why this duel should be indelinitelv 
postponed. 

Air. P. Now valiant, what next.^ 

Col. The chief reason is tliat Mr. Cliiford has not been insulted,' 
as no man of honor can possibly be insulted by a felonious ielon. 

Mr. P. Hold 1 Do you know what you are saj-ing.-' 

Cot. I think I do. This fellow Patroni, alias Proudfit, alias 
Thomas, Richard and Henry, is a bigamist. He claims to be the 
husband of Ida Lovewell; while he has another wife now looking 
for him. 

Cyril. {Staggering back-vard iiito Dr.'s «;';«.?.) He Ida's husband .'' 
Oh, how blind I have been. {Thunder and hghtniug.y 

Air. P. {Standing erect^^-vith arms folded.) Anything else.' 

Col. Oh, yes. This is the man who drags old gentlemen out 
of bed at four o'clock in the morning, and compels them to un- 
lock their own safes. 

Air. P. Go on, spy. {Aside.) And then die. 

Col. This is the man who sneaks into offices with cans of villain- 
ous saltpeter to destroy the lives of somniferous persons there 
somnifering. This is the man who writes love letters, and signs 
other people's names to them, and leaves them where they will 
destroy the peace of a happy, innocent pair. (Dr. much agitated. 
Continues to Cyril, looking off' R.) This is the man who thinks he 
can insult a gentleman, and yonder comes an officer to arrest him. 

Mr. P. If you have exhausted your store of information, vile 
wretch, die! 

^lick as a Jlas/i, dratvs revolver from his Rochet and snaps it at Col. 
■who smiles blandly. Mr. P. looks at revolver^ throws it aside., 
snatches one from case near him. CoL. dratvs sword., about to 
rush upon him. He shoots Col., ivho clasps his hand over his breast, 
but does 7iot- fall. Mr. Y . then levels revolver at Cyri'L, and is 
about to fire., when a flash of lightning., amid an atv/td crash of 
thunder., descends the tree., striking Mr. P., who falls dead at foot 
of tree. All much stunned. Dr. does not see '^hat Col. is shot., 
hut runs to Patroni and makes a rapid exami nation. ■■• 

Dr. {Rising slowly.) No need of an officer. He who directs 
the thunderbolt has summoned him before a higher than earthlj' 
tribunal. He is dead. (Patroxi's friend goes up and kneels over 
his body.) 

* The flash of lightning may be produced by firincr a loose hempen string-, 
well soaked in spirits of turpentine. Drop the string from above and at the same 
moment tire a gun to assist the sheet iron in producing thunder. Where it i^ im- 
possible to produce this scene on the stage it may, by a slight change of wording, 
oe represented as occurring outside. 



4+ A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Col. Cyril, my boy, our work is done. It is growing dark. It*& 
— time — to — go — liome. {His sivord falls from his hand. He gasps,, 
staggers backward and falls into Snowball's arms. Sn. sinks ufan 
his knee and supports him. Others gather around and form picture^ 

CURTAIN. 



A.OT "V. 

SCENE. Same as Act I. Aftrror hung up at back. Several moniJts 
after last scene. 

Mr. B. discovered reading a newspaper . Enter Agnes, H U E. 

Agnes. I'm so glad, papa, this long expected daj- has at last 
arrived. Won't it be splendid to have the Colonel here again? I 
declare, I look upon him as quite a hero. 

Mr. B. How about his attendant, the Doctor; of course it -won't 
be splendid to have him here again. 

Agnes. Now, papa, just think what bad taste I would display 
were I to say right out I'jii glad the doctor is coming. 

Mr. B. Such a thing is not to be thought of, I suppose. 

Agnes. Oh, yes indeed, it's to be thought of, but not spoken oi^ 
But I'm suffering terribly from cui'iosity to know how the Colonet 
managed to discover that man's trickery-. You know the Doctor 
wouldn't allow the subject to be mentioned to him before they 
started South, as he feared the excitement would bring on an 
attack of hemoi-rhage. 

Enter Cyril and Ida, R. 

Mr. B . I hope we will find the dear, silly old fellow entirely- 
recovered. Had it not been for him, you, impetuous youth, would 
have come sadly oft" from that day's difficulties. 

Cyril. Indeed you are right, uncle. It could not have been 
other than a sad day for me. 

Ida. How thankful sliould I be that it was as it Avas. Ho"W 
little happiness would have — (Stops confused.) 

Cyril. Before you say more, let me explain to uncle. Uncle, 
you know I am going away for a few months, and although you 
may think it premature, I have asked Miss Lovewell, whom I 
confess, I love well, to become my wife when I return. I was ta 
consult you before I made my choice, but you see we got to talk- 
ing over matters matrimonial, and really it was all settled before I 
knew it. I hope you are as pleased with my choice as I — I should 
say as Agnes is. 

Air. B. Another clear case of impetuosity. But I confess you 
could not have made a better selection, even with assistance m 
choosing. Well, children, accept the old man's blessing. I Iiave 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 45 

at last come to the decision tliat tliough matches may not be made 
in heaven, but tew happy ones are made up from bank accounts. 
I am thankful tliat in my darkest hour I did not use my misfor- 
tune as an inducement for Agnes to marry where I was foolisli 
enough to wish to liave her. 

Ida. I'm glad you didn't, uncle. Filial duty may, perhaps, 
demand the sacrifice of life, but a sordid, unholy marriage, never. 

Mr. B. You have never told us how you came to be the victim 
of that person's duplicity. 

Ida. There is little to tell. Father was in cramped circum- 
stances. That person supposed him wealtliy, while he supposed 
that person wealthy. I became the victim of the misunderstand- 
ing. Our marriage was kept secret, I think, for fear of retribution, 
while my tongue was tied with threats of exposure of father's 
pretended guiit. 

Mr. B. The subject is a painful one, let us drop it forever. {Enter 
Fred D in F.) What need to hari)or sullen thoughts 
That make us neither wise nor good? 
Let us think of m6re agreeable things. 

Fred. {Coming- dozun.) I'll tell you sonie more agreeable things. 
I want you to buy me a span of little twin white mules, both of 
them exactly alike. 

Mr. B. A mule is a dangerous plaything, my boy. 

Fred. Buy me a bycicle, then. 

Mr. B. Worse and worse. 

Fred. Buy me, — {thoiightfuUy^) buy me a tooth brush, then. 
{^Braying of a nude xvitkoiit.) What's that.-* Seems tome I hear 
a sweet small voice. {Rtiiis up, looks 07it of zvindozv, then comes 
down.) Snowball, with a span of little white beauties with ears as 
long as yard sticks. Whatever made you do it.'' 

Mr. B. Snowball told me you wanted them, and so I thought 
to surprise 3'ou. 

Fred. You're a darling daddy, a real broth of a boy. I'll be 
good more than an hour to pay for that, see if I don't. {Gives his 
father a hug and hiss, and runs off D in F.) 

Mr. B. {Much pleased^ A very impulsive boy. Warm-hearted 
and impulsive. 

E7iter Sx. D in F. 

Sn. Deduct am yhar, sah. Didn't ye yhar em wabble, sah.'* 
Day's a beautiful milk-white pair, sah. I'm one ob em. 

Cyril. Be careful, Snowball, that you don't let any of us see you 
wabble. 

Sn. Tally one feryou, sah. Dat stroke ob wit makes me tran- 
spire at ebery pore. 

Cyril. Say perspire, not transpire. {Laughing^ You make a 
break down stairs, and don't let me see you up here again for an 
hour. (Sn. exits hastily D in F, then sticks head back in at door.') 

Sti. Did you say an hour, Massa Cyril .^ 



46 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Cyril. Yes, I said an hour. (Sn. dodges oul., hut immediately 
sticks head in again.) 

Sti. Ahouuh! Dat must be a heap ob time. It's more thart 
my repeater eber repeats. Don't jer t'orgit it. I'm one ob em. 

{;Extt.) 

Mr. B. Snowball, like some other members of the household, 
is almost insane with delight because the Colonel and the Doctor 
are coming. 

Cyril. I'm glad to see him so happy. I have never given him 
an angry word since he pleaded to be my substitute. He shall not 
want for anything while I have the power to prevent it. If he 
outlives me he shall be remembered. 

S71. {Sticking head in at the door.) Dey's comin, ladies an 
gemmen. Come right out into de conversatory, an you can see 
em easier den a full man can see a full moon. [Exit all D in F.y 

Enter Fred L U E. Face dirty., and clothes covered 'ivith dust. 

Fred. May I be kicked again if ever I attempt again to curry a 
mule's heel with a case knife. {Sees image in glass.) Hi, you young 
sardine, come out here and let me hit you once, and to-morrow 
they'll be carrying you oif to the soap factory. 

Enter Sn. Z> in F. 

Sn. Ef yer doesn't hold yer yawp, dey'll be keerryin you off 
to de soap factory fore yisterday, you great mud-turtle you. You 
'vouldn''t make bad soap, dough, kase j'ou's all lie and grease. 
You's jes like a ribber, yer mouf's bigger dan your head. {Holds 
his Tvatck toKs ear.) 

Fred. I say, hash preserver, can you hear the vibrations of that 
remarkable piece of mechanism.' 

Sn. It ain't got em yet. It's neber had nuffin cept de measles 
an de numps, an de hoopin cough. 

Fred. What makes you so stupid.? You talk as if a watch were 
a person. 

Sn. Ef a watch am not a person, it is a'most, fer it has face, an 
hans and upinion, an hair in de spring; {openinq it at his side, .w 
audimce can see it has no -works. ;\ an sometimes it's only a good 
ier nuffin hard case at dat. But I only took it out to git de key, 
so I can gib you a grand selection from de grand opera ob Sing 
Sing. {Introduces song. Yb^kt) joins. Invisible chorus, if convenient.), 

At close of song enter D in F Mr. B. and Col., Dr. and AGnes. 

Mr. B. You don't know how it pleases me to see you looking 
so well, Colonel. 

Col. Oh, I always look well, except for a few weeks after I have 
b'-\^n sliot, and ihen I always look badly especially if I have been 
sliot through the lungs. There's something very disagreeable about 
being shot through the lungs, for a fact. 

Agnes. {Clinging to Dk.'s arm^ I suppose there is nothing 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 47 

now to prevent the Colonel from telling us all about his adventures 
here last summer? 

Dr. Nothing. He is at liberty to tell his story with any amount 
6f variations. 

Col. .Since I quit telling my reminiscences of army life, I have 
seemed to grow unskilled in the art. I hope you will pardon any 
seeming veracity that may manifest itself 

Agnes. I was so delighted to recover my beautiful diamond 
necklace. How did you find out who robbed the safe? 

Col. Oh, that was as easy as telling a lie. I made a beautiful 
piece of spatter- work of the two early worms. Had some indubi- 
table ink on a sponge, and spotted them. The day after I discovered 
some of it on our paste-diamond gent's neck. Soon as they were 
treed, it was an easy matter to club them down, you know. Perhaps 
you don't grasp my meaning? 

Mr. B. Yes we do. How about the seance at the Doctor's? 

Col. That was perfectly simple work, for a simpleton. I dogged 
his steps and dodged his presence. That night I was a little too 
late. I glided up as he waltzed out, and thinking he had relin- 
quished, I followed him to the abode of his confederate. When I 
again reached the office, our colored friend's artillery was so noisy 
within, that I didn't choose to enter for fear I would disturb him, 
and get shot through the lungs. 

Sn. {Coming dozvn, and producing revolver.) Yhar it am, sah. 
Loud one, ain't it? 

Col. {In terror, clasping kis hands over his' breast.) D-d-don't 
bring it here. That's the one he shot me with. Go bury the beastly 
thing a thousand fathoms beneath the ground. 

Sn. {Putting it away.) But it ain't loaded, sah. 

Col. Of course it isn't. But that doesn't prevent them from 
going oft". (Sn. goes up.) 

Mr. B. How did it happen the Californian's revolver did not go 
oft" when he first fired to shoot you? Perhaps it was providential. 

Col. Yes, sir. All owing to Providence and precaution. I em- 
ployed a professional to extract it from his pocket, extract the loads, 
and return it again to its place. 

Agnes. But the letter, Colonel, the letter? 

Col. Like Snowball's revolver, it can speak for itself. {Produces 
letter composed of pieces pasted on a whole piece.) I saved the pieces, 
that's all. 'Twas a good imitation of the Doctor's chiropody, but 
not quite good enough. 

Enter Cyril, Ida atid Miss P. 

Col, {Skipping up to Miss P., and shaking hands.) Oh, dear 
madam, your presence here creates a palpitation here. {Puts hand 
on hts breast.) A sight of you awakes the most exchanting mem- 
ories ; stirs up the thoughts of yore, and brings to mind sweet 
scenes of summer days, of babbling brooks, of flowers green and 
red — 



48 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

Fred. And flour fine and white. 

Mr. B. Freddie, be quiet. 

Col. {Good-naturedly .) Yes, of flour fine and fair, and fish poles 
in the hair. But those happy days are gone, I fear, forever. I 
liave something to say, and our friends may as well hear it. To 
you I pledged my troth. In my mind, there is no change; no, nor 
elsewhere about me. That's the dilticulty. When I asked'you to 
be mine, I was indeed a Soldier of Fortune, for vast wealth, stared 
me cheerfully in the face. Now I am a poor soldier of misfortune, 
whom to wed were worse than not to wed at all. 

Miss P. Don't say that, dear. I have no wish to marry wealth. 
Name and fame are more to my taste. 

Col. Of name I surely have a plenty. 

Fred. (Coming dozvn.) Look here, folks, our Colonel is getting 
too proud. I've got a rig on him that will give his pride a tumble. 

Mr. B. Fred, if you don't keep quiet, I shall be compelled to 
remove you from the room. 

Fred. (Drawing the CoL.'.s szvordfrom the scabbard.) Remove 
nothing. I'll hack the first feller that touches me ; so you may as 
well hear me out, You know, Govey, when you were so near 
dead-broke, last summer.'' Expected to lose this shanty, and were 
just saved by those old worthless stocks taking a turn up, and by 
the feller that owned this place failing to turn up — remember that, 
don't you, daddy? 

Mr. B. I don't understand how you — 

Fred. How I hjappened to know, eh.'' I'm up to snuff, of best 
quality. As Snowball says, I'ln one of em. Well, you don't know 
the feller to whom this rightfully belonged, do you.' (Mr. B. 
shakes his fiead.) That's where I have the advantage. 

Col. [Aside to Fred.) Do be quiet, Fred. Not another word. 

Fred. (^Paying Jio attention.) The chap didn't die, at all. He 
gave the property up to you because, he thought, to keep it would 
inconvenience the family. (Col. slips off' R.) 

Mr. B. What nonsense! The gentleman relinquished his 
right to the estate with the imderstanding that his name was to 
remain secret three years. He shortly afterward died. 

Fred. Pooh! He isn't dead, I tell vou. (Sees Coi.. is gone. 
Darts off R.) 

Cyril. What can the boy mean.? Some of his jokes, I'm 
thinking. 

Ida. He seems very much in earnest. 

Re-enter Fred, holding the CoL.'s artn. 

Fred. (To Col.) If you hadn't come, I would have told it 
worse than rt is. Ladies and gentlemen, here is the rightful heir 
to Belmont Hill. 

Mr. B. Can it be possible.? You the heir who relinquished 
the estate of his own free will.'' 

Fred. That's the kind of a fellow he is. (Aside.) I always 



A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 49 

thought him a little queer. (Direct.) I overheard him when talk- 
ing to himself about gi%ing- it up. {All gather around to shake 
hands. Mr. B. quietly exits to R.) 

Cyril. You're one of the true nobility, sir. 

Agnes. You have our everlasting gratitude. You saved us 
from financial ruin, and raised us again to wealth and happiness. 

Dr. If generosity is its own reward, you must be enjoying an 
enviable recompense. 

Ida. The deed is better than name, or fame or fortune. It shows 
the noble promptings of a noble heart. 

Fred. To sum it all up, you're the hero of the day, The Soldier 
of a Fleeting Fortune, but the Boss Brick of the Universe. In 
short, you do yourself proud. I surrender to you my sword. 
(Hands Cf)L.'s sxvord to him.) 

Enter Mr. B. A', -vho -Mliisprrs to Sn'., vjho exits R. 

Mr. B. (Coming forward, and taking Co\^.''s hand.) My dear 
friend, I hardly know how to find words to express my gratitude 
for the sacrifice you made for us in the day of our misfortune. 

Col. Don't try to find them, sir. The fewer 3'ou find, the better. 
Actions speak louder than words. Your actions show your 
pleasure, and that for me is n superabundance of sufficiencv. 

Enter Sn. /?, bearing a box. 

Su. Yhar's a box fer de Cunnei, marked " Gran Prize oh de 
Lancaster Lottery." 

Col. {Nervously.) Remove it, please. Transfer it to some 
other portion of tne house. I was not aware that I possessed a ticket 
in that, or any other grand gift entei-prise. 

Cyril. You'd better open it here. Colonel. If it's a ioke, let us 
all enjoy it. 

Col. cautiously opens the box, takes out a piece of paper , glances at it, 
trembles, and tiands the paper to Cyr il to read. 

Cyril. (Reads.) National Bank of Commerce, pay to the order 
of Alphonso Adolphus Fitznoodle, two hundred thousand dollars. 
B. G. Belmont. 

Col. goes over and grasps Mr, B.'s hand, and attempts to speak. 

Mr. B. Not a word. It's yours by right. It is chiefly through 
your generosity that 1 am again in condition to have a check of 
that amount honored. 

Col. {Going to M.iHii F. and taking her hand.) This is a most 
glorious outcome of a previous most meager income. I think you 
and I can subsist on the revenue from two and five aughts, so 
we'll set the day, and then away to lovers' fields elysian. 

Sn. {Coming dozvn to Col.) Goin into de matter-o'munnial 
lottery, is ^'ou. {Produces a paper from his pocket, unrolling it.) 
Reckon vou'll want suffin ter put de little gran prizes into. {Dis- 



50 A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

flays the baby^s stockings.) Ya, ya, I'm one ob em. {Passes stockings 
to Col.) 

Col. (Giving them to Miss P. Keep them, keep them, as a gift 
from a Soldier of Noble Fortune. 

Cyril. You're a soldier of several fortunes. Miss Peterson has 
a handsome property in her own right. She has kept the fact 
secret, for fear some man would want to marry her for her fortune. 

Col. I am dumbfounded ; I am surprised. 

Agnes. Time lias shown the truth of a remark I once made, 
that beneath a vain and frivolous exterior ofttimes lies a soul more 
noble than that of belted knight or lofty-titled squire. 

Dr. The experiences of the past year are instructive. Let us 
all to-day make new resolves that shall carry us above the sordid 
aims of life, and inspire within us a love for the noble, the good 
and the true. 

Ida. Our experiences confirm the fact that noble deeds, rather 
than fluent words, influence most our lives and happiness. {All 
come do7vn.) 

Mr. B. I want to hear from our kind Soldier of Fortune on 
the rekative power of words and deeds. 

Col. {Stepping for-vard.) Words are sky-rockets. They go 
fizzing, and banging about, making a brilliant display and doing 
some little service. Deeds are cannon balls. They go straight to 
their destination, annihilating, pulverizing and deoderizing every- 
thing that insinuates itself into their parabola. I hope you grasp 
my meaning. 



y POSITIONS: 

Mr. B. Fred. Snowball. 

R, Dr. and Agnes. Col. and Miss P. Cyril and Ida, L. 

CURTAIN. 



TfVO GHOSTS ly WHITE. 

Ahiiniorous iarCe based on boarding-school life; 7 female characters. Time, 
25 m. Very funny throughout, and contains some excellent hitu. 

THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch illustrating the difficulties of an assessor in listing the pro- 
perty of a shrewd old farmer. Full of unexpected developments ; 3 male and 2 
female. Time, 15 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

A ludicrous farce ; 3 male and 5 female. Time, 30 m. Illustrates the very amus- 
ing trials of a borrowing family. Philanthropic gent, doctor, newspaper reporter, 
walking ladies, old lady gossip, colored servant girl. 

" Borrowing Trouble fully sustained the excellent reputation gained by its 
author. It brought down the house." — Madison ( Wis.) Detnocrat. 

COVNTRT JUSTICE. 

A very amusing country law suit; 8 male characters. (May admit 14.) Time, 
15 m. Contains a very remarkable verdict. 

THE PULL-BACK. 

A laughable farce; 6 female. Time, 20m. Contains an excellent old-fashioned 
" old lady " character. Pictures her adventures among the devotees of fashion. 

HAXS TON SMASH. 

A roaring farce in a prologue and one act; 4 male and 3 female. Time, 30 m. 
Contains an excellent humorous Dutch character. This is a very popular farce. 
Country life. 

" Hans brought down the house."— Z>e Van Vleck, Beep Biver, Iowa. 

"Our Literary Association has presented upward of fifty dramas and farces, but 
never had any take like that.^'— Secretary Chelmsford Center (Mass.), Literary 
Association. 

OS THE BRINK, 

Or, the Reclaimed Husband. 

A temperance drama in two acts, by II. Elliott McBride; 12 male and 3 female. 
Time, 1 hour, 45 m. Seven of the characters have unimportant parts, and some 
of the parts are so arranged that the same person may play two parts. Yankee 
comedian, old bachelor in search of a wife, old maid in search of a husband, the 
insane wife, etc. 

" We rendered On the Brink a number of times very successfully to crowded 
houses." — Dramatic Club, Cordova, Minn. 

A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. 

A sketch, by H. Elliott McBride ; 2 male and 5 female. Time, 25 m. A firsu z:.io 
piece for boys and girls in school exhibitions. Very amusing. 

OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama in three parts. Requires 9 male, 3 female. (Admits 9 male, 
15 female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, about 1 hour. Based on Colonial and 
Revolutionary history of U. S. The narration is lively enough to make it take 
well. It contains some striking situations. 

"Our country took so well, that we repeated it to a crowded house."— .^e/ 
Sweeney, Winslow, III. 

A BAB JOB. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 472 9 



THE SCHOOL 

A brilliant comedy in four acts ; 6 mi 
This play is not a mere tissue of imaginati 
incident in it but has had its counterpari, ... — „„.,v.ogo ui uur puonc 
schools. It contains a good comic Irish character, an American "Mrs. 
Gamp," a "self-made man" (poor job), and the typical American "School 
Ma'am," anxious to succeed, but beset with difficulties. Every teacher, every 
director, every citizen, should read it as a hoolt, whether you wish it as a play 
or not. 

THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce ; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 45 m. The action is lively, the 
incidents unexpected and ludicrous. Pat O'Doyle, the peddler, is a combina- 
tion of wit, drollery, cunning and impudence. 

THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS,- or, The Great Exodus. 

A roaring farce ; 5 male, 1 female. Time, 30 m. Contains two darky 
characters. Excrutiatingly comical. Cannot fail to be a popular farce. 

IS THE EDITOR IN? 

A farce ; 4 male and 2 female. Time, 20 m. Scene, a country newspaper 
office. Very amusing. ^ 

A REGULAR FIX. 

A farce, by J. Madison Morton ; 6 male, 4 female. Time, 35 m. Very popular. 
MT TURN NEXT. 

A capital farce, by T. J. Williams; 4 male, Sfemale. Time, 45 m. Illus- 
trates the difficulties an apothecary encountered through marrying in haste. 

A KISS IN THE DARK. 

A farce, by J. B. Buckstone; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 40 m. A highly 
successful farce. 

THE PERSECUTED DUTCHMAN. 

A farce, by S. Barry; 6 male, 3 female. Time, 40 m. Good. 

LIMERICK BOY {Paddy Miles.) 
A farce, by James Pilgrim; 5 male, 2 female. Time, 40m. A tip-top 
farce. 

I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. 

A farce, by C. A. Maltby; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m. Very funny- 
A BOUND VOLUME 

Of plays, containing the first ten plays in this catalogue, substantially anfl 
handsomely bound in muslin, gilt stamp. Will be sent, postpaid, for $1-25. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SERIES. 

A collection of original, lively dialogues suitable lor boys and girls in 
school entertainments. Some of the dialogues contain both male and female 
characters; some are for boys alone; some for girls alone. All are short. 
Price, 25 cents. 

SCHOOL AND PARLOR TABLEAUX, 
By Sara L Stocking. A choice collection of original tableaux for school, 
church, and parlor entertainments. They embrace a wide range of subjects, 
from the classical to the comic. The historical tableaux admit the use of 
beautiful costumes, and cannot fail to please. Full instructions given as to 
costume. The comic tableaux are simple and easily prepared. Price, 25ct8. 

SCRAP-BOOK RECITATION SERIES, NO. 7, 

By H. M. Soper, Professor cf Elocution. A choice collection of fresh read- 
ings, pathetic, dramatic and humorous. The editor has taken especial pains 
to make a collection chieflv of choice yxw puces, which cannot easily be 
found elsewhere. The editor's extenaedexperienceiu teaching elocution has 
admirably qualified him for discriminating as to what is really adapted to 
elocutionary purposes. 'While special care has been taken to find vew ana 
rare pieces, nothing has been admitted which does not contain real merit. 
Price, 25 cents. 

T. S. DENISON, Chicago. 



